Defeat the "Inner Saboteur."

Defeat the "Inner Saboteur."

I do think I am learning lessons. Always.

I mean, the world is a moving target, and I am too. Sometimes I feel human beings don't really change. We are all the same little people we were at a super-young age. The years just add a bit of gravity and history to the timeline.

On the other hand, I do think we are always morphing, changing, renewing, maybe cycling-thru our lives. There is a clear trajectory. We accumulate and grow and change. I do think you can teach an old dog new tricks. I do think our brains are elastic, and malleable.

So I think we are essentially the same and different too. We are still, and moving.

I have often found myself improvising in the moment. Shooting from the hip. Impatient to "make something happen." This has often come back to bite me in the ass. Poor decision-making. Poor planning. False moves. Self-sabotaging actions.

Lately, I have been fighting my own instincts, my own intuitions, my own usually, overly-impatient self. Some of this has been enforced by the pandemic. Do less. Listen more. Sit quietly. Think. And then, let the thoughts drift away.

I have been holding my cards tightly to my chest. Biting my lip. Not so quick with the snappy remark. Knowing I don't have to get in the last word. Not so sure, or disagreeable, about the passing moments of the passing day.

I used to read a lot of literature about Zen, I was always fascinated, and attracted to the Zen Masters. But I always felt I was missing something. Zen. What Zen? But now, I feel I am living in a more Zen-like state. Not in any big, philosophical/religious way, just in little actions of care and quiet.

Silence. Contemplation. Letting go. Seeing the Ego do its thing, laughing at, and observing the Ego do it's thing. I am at the steering wheel, but really, I am taking my hands off the wheel... maybe gingerly guiding it with my fingers. Living lightly. Watching the "Inner Saboteur" but not letting him take the lead on the narrative.

Now and Zen.

The a.m soundtrack - U2's "Unforgettable Fire."  (1984). I bought this one when it came out in 1984. I have always thought it was a beautiful, magical recording. It's arty and ephemeral. Atmospheric. All the U2 elements are there. Great band. Solid drumming. The big, loping, luxurious bass up front. Edge's sonic-landscape-guitar, Bono's fierce intelligence. The cover is a picture of Slane Castle where the album was conceived, written and performed. Killer production team: Brian Eno and Daniel Lanois. The best. No doubt. This was the first of a long string of great records where band and producers pushed the envelope on sound and conception. There are a couple anthemic tracks. Lots of mood oozes across the tracks. Shimmering beauty. Saying something too. Unforgettable.