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Sunday, April 30, 2017

Jesus in America Pt. 16

"Hmmm... that's kind of weird."

What does it mean? I can't ask Jesus in America. He never slows down. And he doesn't look like the kind of person who takes questions. He is a bit fierce. Intimidating. And remember there are two of them. One with a Cat, and one without.

But other than that they seem pretty interchangeable. But that just makes the whole thing kind of difficult. With Jesus in America all you can do is observe. Take notes. Watch his (their) action (s). Try to learn by example. I suppose.

Although, this idea that Jesus in America has anything to teach me, is sort of my own fabrication, right? I'm making this shit up as I go. There is something intriguing about this whole Jesus in America thing to me. But, really, I'm basically just entertaining myself.

I'm swimming in my own past. I blame Bruce Springsteen. His memories of his early Catholic upbringing are so vivid, lively, and so similar to my own, I haven't been the same since I read his book. My childhood looms up over me. Events from long ago, come to me, and I re-experience them as if they happened yesterday. Weird. And what did I learn as a good, little Catholic Boy? Just like Bruce: Guilt, Fear, Sin, Shame, Fury. 

My Little Brother recently asked me: "Were you ever a True Believer?" 

My answer: "It wasn't a question of Belief. That wasn't on the menu!"

Right. I mean. I was presented with Heaven, Hell, Sin, Damnation, Jesus, God, Virgin Mary, Holy Ghost. These things just were, right? Kind of like finding out that the Earth was round, and Germs existed. It was just information that was sort of strange & confounding. It wasn't my job to verify whether any of this was true or worth believing in. It was just the lay of the land.

What did I think about it all? My thoughts went something like this: "Hmm... that's kind of weird."

It was only later (like in 7th or 8th Grade) that I began to realize I could reject things that I wanted to reject. And really, I decided I wanted to reject everything.

So lots of years of rejecting, rebelling, and looking for other answers in other places. I went from lost to more lost. I became sort of a Zen Absurdist! 

Now all these years later I am circling back. Isn't that how the story goes? And everything looks different to me. Old information is seen in a new light. Everything is sort of illuminated. Still not a True Believer. But a believer in believing in things. Some thing. Just what those things or somethings are, I'm still working through... 

Hmmm, now that I think of it, that's kind of weird!

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