I used to want to be a "wise guy." I was always naturally a skeptic - not easily convinced, and a cynic a person who believes that people are only motivated purely by self-interest. A bit sarcastic - marked by or given to using irony in order to mock or convey contempt.
Sort of smart aleck, or you know, kind of a smirking, all-knowing, always doubting, asshole. Everyone I hung out with, and admired, were those kind of people too.
I don't know, maybe it was always an act. A defense mechanism - an often unconscious mental process (such as repression) that makes possible compromise solutions to personal problems. A way to protect myself, a way to not to get destroyed by the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune.
I'm not that way anymore. Or at least it is no longer my "go-to" approach. The years have not embittered me, but instead softened me, opened me, made me much less cynical, sarcastic or skeptical. As Dylan once sang "I was so much older than, I'm younger than that now."
I am more prone to say "I don't know," about lots of things. I no longer pretend to be an expert. I am often in a state of wonder, and awe, about life; the mystery of it, the glory of it, the pain of it, the grand unknowingness of it all.
I cling to Hope. And believing. Believing in believing. Believing in what? A better day. That sometimes things do work out. That people are not just motivated by self-interest. That there is Grace and Love and Joy, along with the Pain, Loss, and Death.
I am less of wise guy, more of a Fool... a bit of a Forest Gump. I am willing to "give the benefit of the doubt," willing to be a bit naive, and hoping to dig deep for the innocence deep in the inner recesses of my heart and soul. Yes, I believe in Soul, although really I have no clue what it is, can't put my finger on it or bring out into the light of day.
I feel a bit out of step with the times now. Not as with it. But I do think I see clearly. My eyes and my heart and my head are open, willing to take in the wonder and horror of the day.
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