The quest.
I think I inherited the idea, the imperative, the fire, the hunger for the quest from my Father. And I suppose he inherited it from his Grandfather. My father's father skipped out, so we are not sure what he was looking for, but, since he skipped out, it is a good guess that he too was also on some life-long quest. A life-long journey & struggle hunting for the big deal, the big payoff, the magical substance or the "dingus" that will transform everything. I suppose it's also the search for the mission, the cause, the belief that will illuminate all. Transformation. It is no accident that one year my brother and I bought a replica Maltese Falcon and gave it as a gift to my Father. The falcon, the dingus, the grail. We also acted out the scene in the movie when a man entered Sam Spade's office: "The dying man was clutching a brown-paper parcel, held together by thin rope: "It was an ellipsoid somewhat larger than an American football."
Yes. All very theatrical. Even this morning, I am in midst of the search. I can't help it. It's something that has always been with me, hovers over me, drives me forward. I think it's a bit of magical thinking. That something out there will change my life. Maybe it's just a flaw, a very personal, human flaw, thinking that whatever I need is out there, and not in here. Even after all these years practicing meditation, an act of inward looking, finding a calm center, there is that irresistible impulse to find that magical substance out there in the dark, secret places. Some habits die hard, some habits never die.
As Bono sings: "I still haven't found what I'm looking for…"
