WWSP's "The Alternate Boot!"

Thursday, March 06, 2008

The 11th Commandment

Beware the asshole. They are like George Romero's zombies, they live amongst us. They sort of look like us, but really they are dumber, less "well-rounded" versions of us. They weren't born that way, I mean, they started out as cute little blobs of fat, they started out with all the essential equipment, but then, somewhere down the line, as Joseph Heller would have it, "Something Happened."

We all go through that asshole/zombie phase, but most of us get through it, or just dabble with it, (hey let's be a zombie for the weekend!), we overcome it, we realize that life is more than just sucking blood, or eating brains, or whatever it is asshole/zombies do to survive.

Another horror film master, Wes Craven, lives by what he calls the asshole theory. Life is too short. Don't work with assholes! He works with a very tight, committed crew, he weeds out the assholes on a shoot.

Herman Melville, wrote about this thing in one of his books, the title escapes me, about working on a merchant (not a whaling) ship. Melville, preferred to be up in the crow's nest, far from the madding crowd. He did his best to avoid the confirmed assholes down in the hold. Proximity to an asshole can be contagious. Or maybe it's osmosis - little asshole-like cells or vapors can easily flow into an unsuspecting victim.

So one of the commandments (the 11th Commandment!), Moses must have spaced it: Thou Shall Avoid the Asshole!*

*Sometimes it is impossible to avoid an asshole. In those cases, you might want to start sniffing (helium = laughing gas!) whipped cream canisters!

UPDATED NOTE: The Lovely Carla reminds me that if I ever need to solder a pickup in a guitar, or make a drug reference, I should first check with her. She corrected me on today's substance abuse reference: of course you don't sniff a whipped cream canister, you INHALE, and it's not helium (which makes you talk like Pee Wee Herman), its NITROUS OXIDE!

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