1. Every step counts: a 3rd floor apartment is Mt. Everest.
2. Names matter: a dog named "Happy" will be irredeemably sad. A dog named "Peaches" will be a killer of little things, and won't want to take her medicine. "Gypsy" will be flighty and playful and with thrill at getting rough with squirrels. "Olive," an angry-looking Burmese Mountain Dog, will be afraid of it's shadow. "Homer" will be the doggy reincarnation of that ancient, blind, poet, and he'll really, really hate puppies. "Buddy" will be darkness, he will not be your buddy. He will barely be alive. He will be a character in a Samuel Beckett one-act. "Annabelle" will be a dream dog. She will want to chase sticks all day. You will become expert at throwing sticks. She will be your best friend.
3. You will know the weather better than any weather man. You won't be able to predict the weather, but you will know every ray of sunshine, you will absorb every drop of rain, you will reverberate in every breeze. You will be glad you live in Chicago, where the weather is always mimicking an improv class.
4. Your concept of the value of money will be translated to dogs. A latte will be 2/10ths of a dog. A meal for two at your favorite Indian restaurant (tip included) will be approximately 4 dogs. You will become "dog frugal."
5. You will live with less stress, less money, and more shit. And it will seem like somehow you beat the system.
