A Battle for the Body & Soul of Jimmy

Yesterday, Dumps and Sunny were in a battle for the body and soul of Jimmy. You know, it's crowded around here. I think I was feeling the effects of a super-hot and humid day, 2 days previous, so, you know, I was dehydrated to the max, feeling, sketchy, arbitrary, ephemeral, and the Great Unseen Hand had a firm grip on my skull and was pressing down on me like the Vise of Doom. I turned to some aspirin and Electrolytes, and drank plenty of liquids. Still, I was "out of sorts" pretty much all day, I did make it thru, and by the evening, slowly, but surely, Dumps faded away, and Sunny emerged unrivaled and unscathed.

Totally Sunny this a.m. The Vise has lifted, the Unseen Hand has vanished. I feel hydrated and ready to face the day with a renewed enthusiasm. Of course, the coffee helps, and a nice, long, restful sleep did wonders. Amazing how you can bounce, when you think bouncing is impossible.  So, well, the sun has burst thru the clouds this a.m. so I am feeling with it, back "in sorts," in-line with the day. I wonder what this new day will bring?

Questions...

Yes. Living the Questions. Truly, Madly, Deeply. Every day. Every night. The Questions multiply, deepen, get more twisted, convoluted, and frankly it's all a bit maddening. 

Befuddled Questioning...

I woke up with the word "modality" dancing, like a wave, or light beam, in my head. My reaction? Hunh? You know, befuddled questioning. I had to look up the meaning this a.m.

"Modality is about a speaker’s or a writer’s attitude towards the world. A speaker or writer can express certainty, possibility, willingness, obligation, necessity and ability by using modal words and expressions. Speakers often have different opinions about the same thing. These speakers are looking at the same thing."

"Here are the main verbs we use to express modal meanings: Core modal verbs: can, could, may, might, will, shall, would, should, must, Semi-modals: dare, need, ought to, used to"

Right. Necessity and ability.  Kind of defines the boundaries our lives & days, and well, modality opens a whole can of worms.

Consumed by What We Consume...

"In Peace lies Wisdom."

Maybe so. So much of our lives are consumed with the Hurly-Burly, the Loud, No-Nothing Talkers, the Noise-Makers, the overblown Flash & Dazzle of Pop Culture. And of course it is easy to be hi-jacked, diverted, consumed, by the things we consume.

Sometimes we just need to stop.

Turn to the silence. Turn to the solitariness. Turn to the simple. Turn off the 24/7 Noise Machine.

The People Are Jumpy...

"The People are Jumpy." - Sunny Jimmy

Yes, indeed. 

My friend thinks it is all because the planet is heating up. It's getting too hot for our brains. Our brains are getting cooked, and we are getting wackier, jumpier, gnarlier, ruder, stupider, more pissed-off, less reliable, and less sensible.

I think she has a point.

And here in America most us are armed to the teeth with weapons of war and mass destruction. Plus lots of us are day-drinkers and opioid-users. Seems like a dicey, unstable situation.

You hope cooler heads will prevail. But, you know, it's getting harder and harder to stay cool. We have decided to choose optimism (see previous post), but there is a creeping sensation at the base of our skulls that danger is in the air.

Optimism is a Choice...

Still, even in the face of all that, (see previous post), optimism is a choice. Maybe it's an inherited trait too? I don't know. To think, to hope, to dream. To live in the moment with as much attention, enthusiasm, heart and soul as you can possibly conjure up. It is an act of will. It takes a bit of gumption, discipline, determination. You need some luck and pluck. See the light all around us. Lean into it.

The A.M Soundtrack - Alabama Shakes' "Boys & Girls"  (2012). The Gospel According to Brittany. A total blast of fire, thunder & unbridled joy, & enthusiasm. A monster statement of creative purpose. What is the message? Hold on, Hang Loose, You Ain't Alone.  It is a head spinner, a heart warmer. Some fabulous grooves, a band giving their all, fronted by Brittany Howard's overwhelmingly powerful voice and guitar. Yes. Highly recommended. Kind of sets the tone for the day. What is the setting? Soulful & Optimistic!

America, We Love the Con...

Sure. Let's celebrate, it is July 4th 2021, blow-off some fireworks, at least in our heads. Happy to be here, still kicking. Born in the USA and feeling pretty lucky. You know, Democracy, Freedom, Equality, Pursuit of Happiness, and all that.

Nice, high-minded concepts. 

For sure, being born somewhere else on the planet could have been a really dicey proposition. "So much trouble in the World." - Bob Marley

But you know, it is complicated, and this is a profoundly Imperfect Union. Those high-minded concepts bump against some hard, deadly, soul-killing realities:

Genocide - "Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee"

Racism/White Supremacy - Slavery, Ku Klux Klan, Trump-ism

Wars & Atrocities

Institutional, Societal, Political, Psychological Inequality

Gun-Crazy

Murder Inc.

And the Eternal Con - "A sucker born every minute."

The Hustle

The Sales Pitch

The Scam

The Hoax

The Lie

The Big Lie

The Cheat

We love to sell and to be sold. We love to lie to ourselves and to others. And, remember all those fireworks are made in China. Cheap thrills: Gunpowder, Smoke, Razzle-Dazzle and BOOM! That's America, Baby!

The A.M. Soundtrack - Wilco's "Yankee Foxtrot Hotel" (2001) - Great early Wilco record. Great American Band. 

"Ashes of American Flags"

The cash machine is blue and green

For a hundred in twenties and a small service fee

I could spend three dollars and sixty-three cents

On Diet Coca-Cola and unlit cigarettes

I wonder why we listen to poets when nobody gives a fuck

How hot and sorrowful, this machine begs for luck

All my lies are always wishes

I know I would die if I could come back new

We want a good life with a nose for things

The fresh wind and bright sky to enjoy my suffering

A hole without a key if I break my tongue

Speaking of tomorrow, how will it ever come?

All my lies are always wishes

I know I would die if I could come back new

I'm down on my hands and knees

Every time a doorbell rings

I shake like a toothache

When I hear myself sing

All my lies are only wishes

I know I would die if I could come back new

I would like to salute

The ashes of American flags

And all the fallen leaves

Filling up shopping bags

- Jeff Tweedy & Jay Bennett

Doing the Work...

Doing the work. 

Turns out the Universe is too big for us to fix. It ain't happening. The Universe will do what the Universe will do. That's a fact. 

And Humanity? 

Too many of us running around on this spinning globe. Everyone has a story. Everyone has their own point of view, their own reasons. Everyone must look into their own souls to figure out what's what.

So, doing the work, means doing the work on ourselves. Trying our best to live with Heart, Integrity, Love, Laughter, Grace, Kindness, Honesty. Maybe try to live as your own better angel, and in that way, serve as an example to others? 

A tall order. But that's really the work. Live with the questions, and sift thru the muck and madness to see if there are any tentative answers to be had. And you know, we can live without answers. We are bounded by Mystery.

And that's OK...

It is a Purposeful EVIL, Which Means We have a Slight Chance...

Thinking about Evil this morning. Our planet is burning up. Our mass industrialization and catastrophic use of fossil fuels is coming back to bite us all in the ass. Chalk it up to general stupidity, madness, greed, and yes, purposeful EVIL.

"Evil, in a general sense, is defined by what it is not—the opposite or absence of good. It can be an extremely broad concept, although in everyday usage it is often more narrowly used to talk about profound wickedness. It is generally seen as taking multiple possible forms, such as the form of personal moral evil commonly associated with the word, or impersonal natural evil (as in the case of natural disasters or illnesses), and in religious thought, the form of the demonic or supernatural/eternal.[1] While some religions, world views, and philosophies focus on "good versus evil", others deny evil's existence and usefulness in describing people."

What of "Ecocide?"  - "... substantially damaging or destroying ecosystems or by harming the health and well-being of a species, including humans."

Actively, intentionally, destroying our interconnected, life-supporting web of life is so profoundly stupid, greedy, and selfish. Evil perpetrated by my Species. Takes ones breath away. Literally, figuratively, metaphorically.

Page 373 from Bolano's "Savage Detectives" - Two Poets in a heart to heart conversation...

"... the heart of the matter is knowing whether evil (or sin or crime or whatever you want to call it), is random or purposeful. If it's purposeful, we can fight it, it's hard to defeat, but we have a chance, like two boxers in the same weight class, more or less. If it's random, on the other hand, we're fucked, and we'll just have to hope that GOD, if he exists, has mercy on us. And that's what it all comes down to."

Two Souls on a Bench...

My companion and I picked up some new habits during the pandemic lockdown year. Lots more time together, lots more biking, walking and hanging out. Luckily, we seem to be getting along just fine, our time together is quite special. One of our most gratifying new activities: a sit-down on a bench. 

It is a new habit which we will most likely continue in this slowly emerging, post-pandemic, post-lockdown reality. So, yes, late yesterday afternoon, after a busy morning and early afternoon, I turned to my companion and said: "Let's go for a sit-down."

We grabbed a couple cold kombuchas at our local coffeeshop and headed to the lakefront. There are a few pretty private benches in our hood, and sometimes we do go for a private sit-down, but there are also some very public benches too, and sometimes we decide a public sit-down is just the thing.

We have one favorite bench, it's facing Lake Michigan, there are trees, a little brown slatted-fence, a public beach, and the vast body of water that is always in motion, always changing, and always breathtakingly beautiful. The horizon is wide and deep. A symphony of water, clouds, sky, sunshine. Some days super-calm, some days a roiling, boiling, hurly-burly of churning thunder.

If you sit in one place long enough the world will come to you. Some days that is how it feels. Yesterday was that kind of day. Sitting on that bench we were in a vortex of positive energy, a strange attractor for all kinds of attention. It was a sunny & warm day and 100's of our fellow human beings were out and about, walking, biking, running, beaching. 

We sat on that bench. We owned it. And folks kept passing by smiling, saying hello, nodding their heads. It was like everyone knew us, and well, since we are on the lakefront every day, it's not impossible. A man stopped by and chatted with us for a bit, and it turns out my companion may have found a new client for some graphic arts projects. Funny.  Sitting on bench. It  felt we were on a stage in the midst of a dramatic performance. The world came to us. And what was the performance? Two Souls on a Bench.

The name Descartes came up in a conversation with a passerby. Rene Descartes.  Not your usual daily reference. Although, in our wealthy, educated, progressive, blue-bubble, not totally surprising that one of the founders of modern philosophy would come up. I nodded. Yes, I knew the name, the man. "I think, therefore I am."

We finished our drinks. Watched the waves rolling in, and then headed home.  Later, reading in bed, on page 365 of the Picador edition of Robert Bolano's "Savage Detectives," I came across these sentences: 

"And while I was at it, I'll tell you, I even thought about that bastard Descartes. Just to give you some idea. Descartes."

Hmmm. What is the Universe saying to me? Let's just chalk it up to a strange coincidence. A little synchronicity.  Maybe I need to go back to that bench and think about it all.

Primary & Peripheral...

Reading Roberto Bolano's "Savage Detectives" (1998) English translation (2007)* one of those essential, life-changing experiences. It is oddly true, what we read can alter our consciousness, expand it, deepen it, change it profoundly. That is amazing. Words on a page can be a life-changer. The power of story-telling. The magic of language to conjure up images, evoke feelings, trigger thoughts, open doors to another way of seeing, feeling, being. Can reading, totally, madly & deeply, giving oneself up  to an exquisitely told narrative make us better or at least more human human beings? I do believe so. The best works can alter us fundamentally. Heady stuff. 

This one is fascinating. 54 different narrators. There are peripheral characters, and primary characters, and the peripheral characters sometimes turn out to be primary, and the primary ones turn out to be peripheral. It's a mirror of our own lives.

In the pages you will find mystery, poetry, dirt, sex, violence, beauty, love, hate, the great cloud of unknowing. Like I said, a very overwhelming & profound experience. Life-affirming. Life-enhancing. Life-changing. Really.

Hat-tip to Patti Smiths' "M Train" - a mind train that goes to any station it wants.

Swirling Dichotomies...

Went to see the Frida Kahlo Exhibit: "Timeless" at the College of DuPage over the weekend. I realized I knew very little about Frida Kahlo. Iconic Woman. Iconic Mexican Artist. A striking-looking woman. A strong, beautiful, vibrant and fiercely intelligent woman. Someone who made art while living a life  battling physical challenges, illnesses, and devastating injuries. 

Her paintings are overwhelmingly powerful. Especially her self-portraits:

The other thing. 

Her personal history is a microcosm of the 20th Century. She had a stormy, on-again, off-again, on-again relationship with the 20 year older Diego Rivera, famed and world-renowned muralist. The powerhouse couple was dubbed "The Dove and the Elephant."

Frida & Diego, a universe of swirling dichotomies embodying the 20th Century and resonating today:

Art vs. Commerce

Male vs. Female

Beauty vs the Not Beautiful

Communism vs. Capitalism

Poverty vs. Wealth

Old vs. Young

Healthy vs Illness

Photography vs Painting

Revolution vs. Reaction

Power vs. Vulnerability

Love vs. Hate

Loyalty vs. Betrayal

Marriage vs. Divorce

An amazing story and exhibition.

Germs & Bad Ideas...

Germs & Bad ideas. 

Very similar. You can't see them, but they can invade you, make you sick, make you do weird things, and do damage to your body, head and spirit.

That was on my mind matriculating thru a long Sunday journey yesterday. We were exposed to lots and lots folks, some masked, many not; you assume everyone has been vaxxed, but, you know, the reality is that many have not been, and have no intention of doing the right thing.

And those Germs and Bad Ideas are fellow travelers. The incredibly overweight dude smoking a cigarette, eating a greasy, over-stuffed hamburger, refuses to sully his body with a vaccine. Worried about "impurities," and side effects, don't you know?

It is sort of funny. In a not funny way.

So, there were times when it was best to just keep my mouth shut, sit back, relax and watch the Human Show: Germs & Bad Ideas.

Life is Not a Biz...

The thing is, Life is not a business. If you are thinking it needs to "pay-off" you are mistaken. Yes, we live in the Belly of the Capitalistic Beast, and in that unforgiving system, everyone needs dollars and cents to keep going, but the "do-re-mi" is not the song of our lives. Nope. Life is a mystery, and something we experience, it is open-ended, and a bit arbitrary. It's a gift (a gift that can be snatched away any time),  that just is.

A Weak Back, About A Week Back...

I "threw out my back," last Saturday. What a strange phrase, I mean, strange, but true and super-descriptive, it really did feel like I threw my back away. I tweaked it, one little, seemingly inconsequential, false move, and it seemed like my whole back just totally went out of whack, a landslide of strained nerves and muscles.

My friend is a Guru of pain and remedies, so she coached me along. We shared CDB creams, we tried a series of stretches, she told me, "Don't shy away from the pain, go to it." And also, "Keep moving." At first that seemed insane. I was like a mannequin, carrying myself in a very careful and delicate manner. Standing & walking was fine, it was the sitting and getting back up that was a challenge.

I did go to the pain. I did keep moving. A week later and my back is fine. Maybe a slight hangover, my body remembers where the pain and strain and the stiffness was, but it's no longer there. I never asked for the opioids. I didn't majorly medicate. Except for the CDB cream which I highly, highly recommend, & a couple of ibprofens which I took sort of guiltily, I am pretty much anti-pill, if I can help it, but, you know, whatever works with the least side-effects, seems smart. Anyway, the combo helped loosen the muscles and totally mellowed me out too.

This morning, I am  back to just medicating myself with coffee. Fire up my body and spirit. I had a weak back, about a week back.

A Blast of Pure Creation...

My instrumental, ambient, solo, mini-Moog project Faux Fu on Bandcamp.

I wrote extensively about my "adventures" in the music biz here: "True Adventures of Faux Fu." To sum up, it was a wild ride: lots of talk, a 30 page contract, a $500 per hour lawyer, a little bit of cash, grand plans, and big dreams. It all appeared like a little cloud of fairy dust that powdered me like a newly-baked donut, and then, suddenly, it all vanished in the same astonishing manner.

So my career as an ambient music-maker is now a familiar one of total artistic freedom, and complete independence. I walked away with some $ and a substantial catalog of tracks. I can do whatever I want, whenever the mood strikes. It's just the finest, most pure artistic expression I can imagine. 

Yesterday I released a new EP: "Where I am... You May Be..."  It is super-meditative, contemplative, & pretty chill.  Food for the spirit and the soul. No doubt, these tracks reflect my long-time meditation practice.

What I love about this project, it is just pure music. Music made in the moment, a spontaneous lark, a goof, an experiment. No expectations. Just following the vibe. Getting familiar with a new instrument. "Beginner's Mind." Discovering what a mini-Moog can do, where it can go. Plus there is the discipline of no drums, no beats, no clix, and, to date, no other instruments (actually one track is mini-Moog and "occasional" guitar).  

I am totally knocked out by the reception so far. Folks are really connecting with this music, which, to be frank, is a total surprise. A nice, welcome, gratifying surprise.

Sometimes, the right thing is to just dream something up and run with it.  Really. I recommend it.

Overload...

Brain overload?!

Yes. Of course. No doubt. I mean, WTF?

A Process...

Yes. Think of yourself as a process (see previous post): "a series of actions."

Think of yourself as a series of  actions that you do/take, over the course of a life. We are always in process, processing. Living is a verb.

Always Be Flowing...

Movement.

Keep moving. It makes sense. Everything else we encounter is basically a "process:" nature, time, biology, psychology. So, in order to be in tune with the environment in which we live, we should always be flowing, moving, changing. We must be fluid, (mind, body, soul), at all times.

A stagnant pool is dead energy. A rigid mind is a boulder. Our bodies need to be flexible & limber. Stillness when we meditate, but when we meditate, the ENERGY IS ALWAYS FLOWING!

Stormy...

A big storm blew thru last night. Minimal damage across the Heartland. We are fine. Lightening flashing, clouds thumping, sirens screaming. I put the pillow over my head. My companion was scared out of her wits. She was watching with bated breath her little glowing oblong device, the "storm-tracker" on her iPhone. A big blob of colors, green, yellow and red, devouring everything in its path. She kept asking me in a suddenly "childish," and very shaky voice: "Should we go to the basement?" I kept replying, sleepily, dreamily: "No, I don't think we should go to the basement." We didn't go to the basement. So, you know, it  was not a restful sleep. The storm passed. Nothing damaged. We are both a bit, ragged, and sleepy this a.m. Sunny and calm. Monday.