Death Match

I'm still a shareholder in a company where I no longer work. The people that currently run the company totally detest me. I mean, if I wanted to get a dose of pure hatred, disrespect and invalidation, well, I'd just make a visit. I did last Friday morning. It was a shareholder's meeting, and according to a letter I received, I was "cordially invited." Of course, the letter was a lie!

I walked into the little "den of thieves" that I knew so well. It was amazing to me, that over a year had passed since I'd last been through those doors, and it was like time had stood still, the same four twisted ego-maniacs sat around a conference table with a speaker phone and a couple other shareholders were on the line.

You should of seen the stunned look on the faces as I walked in bearing a hot chocolate and a smile. It was all bravado on my part, the chocolate to sooth my nerves, the smile to hide the pure contempt for these folks that raged in my soul. See, I must confess, I too have strong feelings for these creeps, I was treated badly by these guys and I haven't forgotten. Which is not a good thing. I know.

It's a matter, (not worth going into), all wrapped up in words like honor and integrity, and success, and power and failure, and well, I mean you can spend a lifetime wrestling with those shadows! And what did I do? I actually threw a bomb into the space. I submitted a list of questions (not so innocent) for the board of directors to address. It was an act of audacity, of provocation. I mean, I saw a hornet's nest and what did I do, I took a stick and starting whacking it with all my might.

Maybe not so smart. But there it is. After the meeting, I was escorted out. I was called "a loser" (coming from the man who said this to me, it doesn't sting, in fact, I'd call it a compliment!). I felt good. Liberated in a way. I mean there's something about blowing shit up that's exhilarating. Two days later, I have sort of a weird karmic hangover - if you wrestle with slime-balls you get slimed! Instead of just walking away from a bad scene, I kept the game alive. And to what end? Good question.

Ultimately I see this as a dumps/sunny death match. The real conflict is inside me. And of course, both sides are equally matched and there's no final resolution, except maybe when I reach the final resolution, which may not really resolve anything, if you know what I mean...