High on the Drift

Well that familiar feeling of being lost has descended upon me once again. It's a frequent occurance, this feeling really has been my best and most trusted companion since I was a small child. I've done so much drifting, it's actually evolved into my main modus operandi...it's how I write plays, and compose music, and well, it's even how I approach my job...

I drift from one thing to the next, I go with what feels right, or I try to distance myself from what doesn't...I bounce along on the feeling, expecting that somehow that will lead me to some kind of dawning light.

I'm not so good with plans and maybe that has been to my detriment.

I'm not complaining, I'm just noting what's happening in the world of sunny. If someone asks me how I'm doing today? My reply would be: I'm adrift my friend...I'm high on the drift...you want a hit?

Hey a Music Store!

Check out my new music store! I joined this thing called SnoCap...it allows you to upload your songs, set a price, (they take $0.45 cents off the top) and then other people who join up can download the songs. It's .mp3 format...I've been working with Garageband since last December, the tracks listed are pretty much me on guitar, bass, drum machine, vocals too, with a few loops thrown in to make it interesting...anyway, I've decided to put it on my blog site, I think it kind of brightens up the place. You can listen to the first 20 secs. of each song for free by clicking on the play button. I'm wondering if anyone will actually go to the trouble of buying and downloading? Well, we'll see...it's a little experiment...the days of Top Forty radio are dead!

Devil or Angel Be Damned

I've always been on the wheel...most jobs I've had, I've been expected to "make things happen." My income is usually based on how much business I can bring in. Very rarely have I just punched in and out on the time-clock. The two major exceptions to this was working as a guitar tuner, and as a bike messenger. They were my NirvanaLand jobs, the only downside, they barely fed me, I really only survived on the kindness of friends and family...

So, just like my father, I've always been on the wheel, crucified on the cross of "success" and "failure," (see Arthur Miller's Death of a Salesman for a primer). I've always tried to explode the dichotomy, play by diffferent rules or just settle on a zen-like path. Sometimes it works, sometimes not.

Lately the wheel has been grinding me down. All my issues - guilt, doubt, (my greatest endowments from Catholic grade school) vs. validation, certainty (my endowments from meditation school) are out in full force. I'm like that character in the cartoon with the devil dog on one shoulder, the angel dog on the other. So I'm just the battlefield where the dogs do their fighting. This can be exhausting.

Last night I woke up hearing my father's voice say, "don't forget me." These are words he actually said to me a few months before he died. Obviously, there's no chance of forgetting him, I see him in the mirror every morning...I don't want to forget to him, I just don't want to find myself strapped to that same damn wheel forever. Ultimately the wheel wins...devil or angel be damned. I'd like to watch it explode into flames, walk away unscathed...somehow, I don't think that's how it goes...

These Days

"You become too different, then you become a subversive mother." - Miss America in Woody Allen's "Bananas."

What if you become such a subversive mother, even you can't stand yourself?

I used to have a fantasy of waking each morning as a different person: a Chinese laborer, an American corporate titan, a poor girl in India, a Narco-Trafficker in Peru, a Thai massuesse, an Afghan Jihadi, etc. Each and every morning I would have a different body, a different mind, a different set of circumstances. Kind of like reincarnation on a daily basis. In my fantasy, there would be some little spark of continuity, a vague sense of "being here before," an odd deja vu, that hinted at other lives, other masters.

Would this ever-changing, transitory existence lead to a humbleness, a state of grace? Or would each day be a free pass to "do as you pleased?" Would it essentially be the same thing? I don't know. I never did anything with the idea...some mornings I think about it in a sort of wistful way...

"Why are you wearing that silly human suit?" - Frank in Donnie Darko.

That's the question for the day...and who will I be, and what will I do, and who will be watching, and what does it all add up to anyway? Yeah, I guess it's gonna be one of those kind of days...

Being There...

It's the sunny/dumps dichotomy in full force...last night we performed for a packed house at our humble theater space as part of a triple bill of acts for the Ravenswood Arts Walk. We were smack dab in the middle of the bill. We did our combo of music and theater. We are always a little rough. It just seems to be our nature. Never as polished as we could be, and maybe that's how I like it. There's always some sense of hollowness even in the moment of accomplishment. The audience responded, nothing really went wrong, there was just an unsatisfiedness that kind of hung over me.

It's me, not the world...I know it, but, it's a sense I can't shake...an unfulfilled aspect...maybe that's really what propels me forward. You never quite "get there," you're always, taking the next step into the void that ultimately we have to fill with something...so, another night, another performance, and today, well, now what?

Foul Actions

There are some wild-ass rumours flying around on the internet. It may be just wishful thinking that the black heart of corruption within our political machinery will finally be revealed, and then the complete house of cards will come tumbling down in one big heap. Wouldn't it just be so sweet if the powerful cadre of sanctimonious hypocrites that rule the roost meet the fate they so richly deserve? I know it's bad form to wish for the worst for someone else, but in this case, our fragile democracy may demand that the powerful be brought low. It would be sweet if this came about because of their own foul actions.

Tick!

This morning, getting ready for work, the Lovely Carla said to me, "time is running out." I hugged her and replied, "we've got to live in the moment." We both paused, kind of took it in, then we went back to our typical morning routine. I guess that's how it goes...

Skullduggery

Well, it looks like sunny jimmy is involved in a little "skullduggery." Gee, I just love that word. I looked it up, just to make sure i knew what I thought I knew:

Skullduggery - (a noun) - trickery, hocus-pocus, slickness, hanky panky, jiggery-pokery.

AND THIS:

Skullduggery (uncountable) - activities intended to deceive; a con or hoax.

AND ALSO THIS:

Skullduggery may mean:
Skullduggery (album), an album by the band Steppenwolf.
Skullduggery (movie), the 1970 movie starring Burt Reynolds.
Skullduggery (event), a historic Orientation Week event established in 1896, held annually at the University of Adelaide.
The English name for Kinkotsuman, a character from Kinnikuman.

Things are brewing in my little business world. There are forces seen and unseen working in concert. Where's my James Bond 007 cologne when I need it?

You Betcha!

"Talking, it's real dangerous." - David Lynch

The Crazies

Someone near to me, pointed out that lately I've been an "angry blogger." I guess I have been letting off a little bit of steam here. It may be necessary for my mental well-being. As someone once said, "you gotta let it out, Captain!" I think that as the Myth of America continues to diverge from the Reality of America, the crazies will cling to the Myth even tighter. Look for more madness ahead. What is that famous Chinese proverb (from the famous Chinese proverb factory)? "May you live in interesting times." Well, I think it's safe to say, we are there.

Dropping the Scales

Knowing that whatever allies you may have are few and far between can be a refreshing eye-opener. When you realize that even though all of us here on the planet are connected, we really are in it together, but at the same time when it comes down to issues of life and death, we are alone, is (to say the least) bracing. And hell, it's liberating too. Dropping illusions or delusions can be scary, but the clarity gained is probably worth it.

Arrogant Fools

Yikes! The putrid stench of corruption comes wafting out from the corridors of power in Washington D.C. I think our politicians are just a microcosm of a greater sickness. Yes, it seems power does corrupt, but really, aren't we all culpable? How is it we have given power over to such a lying, thieving, bunch of arrogant fools? We call this a Democracy, so I guess we must assume that our elected officials, human beings just like us, are representative of the population at large.

What has happened to us? Have we always been such fucking assholes?

I wish I had an answer, I can point to certain culprits - money, greed, hate, fear, arrogance, stupidity.

We're all gonna die someday. You'd think that would make us all a little more humble, but I guess, you'd think WRONG!

The Human Mind-Fuck

My father used to quote Vince Lombardi (I think, as he got older, it was with more and more irony), that "when the going gets tough, the tough get going." Yeah well, just when it looks like it's really getting dark, there's a little shaft of light to give you a fleeting hope. At least that's how it's always been for me. If things get bad, you start thinking how it could be so much worse. Sometimes the converse is true too, things are good, you start thinking how things could be so much better, or no, I mean worse, I mean, when things are good, they're just good, but you know it won't last, and you think how everything could turn bad in a blink. So no matter what, good or bad, it could always be worse. I guess there's some kind of comfort in that idea. Cold comfort.

Lombardi also said, "run to daylight." This seems like a good idea. Running in daylight is a good idea too. Running in the darkness...well, that seems like a good metaphor or something, right?

So yesterday, I'm thinking about being tortured, and I'm wondering how quickly I'd be shouting: "I'll say anything you want me to say...just make it STOP!" Does this mean that I'm weak? If under torture I agreed that 2+2 = 5, that yes, up really is down, that really I think President Bush is a courageous leader, that I really do love Big Brother, would I be less of a "good person"? If I was willing to denounce my loved ones to make the torture stop, would I be unprincipled? A coward? A raving bowl of jello?

In my heart of hearts would I still be me? Am "I" defined what I say? Under duress? What if what "I" say is contrary to what I believe - but really only I know what I believe - and just how did I start believing in what I believe? Is that what we call education or indoctrination, or brain-washing? How much pain would make me believe whatever the torturer wants me to believe? Would I be broken, a tortured husk, that even I couldn't trust? And how about the torturer? Would he really be a monster? Or just a guy with a job, a kind of shitty job, that well, when he gets home, after a couple beers and a session with the boob tube, and maybe he can just forget about it all and go to sleep just like a little baby.

Being a human is just such a mind-fuck...

The Dim Sense

Wikpedia: "Fascism is a radical political ideology that combines elements of corporatism, authoritarianism, nationalism, militarism, anti-anarchism, anti-communism and anti-liberalism."

Sounds familiar?

"Nothing could be less American than a government that can indefinitely hold people in secret torture cells, take away their protections against horrific and cruel abuse, put them on trial based on evidence they cannot see, sentence them to death based on testimony literally beaten out of witnesses, and then slam shut the courthouse door for any habeas petition," said Christopher Anders, an ACLU Legislative Counsel. "But that's exactly what Congress just approved."

Ah yes, well, I call it the Torture Bill, it's being called the Detainee Interrogation Bill by others. Whatever. It truly is a disgusting piece of shit. I do believe this is a threshold issue. Our country has been degraded again, by those who claim to love it. I do think our country is run by very, very corrupt people. They are using the fear of terror to pass really bad, authoritarian legislation. They can't even stand up for some basic human decency. I know some Democrats voted against. I saw Hilary Clinton ("when we torture, we lose" - s.j. - WE HAVE LOST!) and Barack Obama give strong speeches against parts of the bill. There are voices of dissent. I'm disappointed someone didn't go to the mat (filibuster?!) on this one.

Maybe those who voted for the bill would be willing to visit a secret CIA interrogation facility for a weekend and sample some of the techniques first-hand for themselves. We'd call it "participatory democracy."

Anyway, the deed is done...maybe the Supreme Court will review down the line. Maybe a future legislature can fix it. Maybe monkeys will fly out my ass...

Anyway, shifting gears, here's Helen Mirren speaking of playing Shakespeare's Caliban: "I just got into it, of living in this wonderful, exotic world, of a creature locked in this awful physical prison but with a dim sense that there was something else out there."

Yes, well, some of us base our lives on this "dim sense."

Enemies of the State

Hey isn't it interesting to think that maybe we're seeing the beginning of the end of the Empire? A ten year war in Afghanistan, (plus the machinations of that man with the mark of the beast on his head), helped bring down the old USSR. Could our little excursions into the baffling lands of Afghanistan and Iraq, be the precursor to our own demise as a hegemon? Although, when the house of cards starts to tumble, I suppose it could get even uglier for a lot of us. Tomorrow's "enemy combatant" could turn out to be today's angry, anti-torture, left-wing blogger. What happens when the beast turns inward? Or maybe we are already using foreign lands as a stand-in for the homeland fight. There really is an entrenched authoritarian strain that runs right through the land of mega-malls and fast food franchises. Freedom ain't what it used to be - freedom now is the ability to shop where we want, when we want. There's a war against people who look and think different than us. Oh yeah, they are here among us right now. We talk of bombing countries, building walls, re-making the world in our own image. Anything to be more secure. Too much security is called prison. But whose image are we re-making and what are we re-making it into? Freedom and democracy have been turned up side down. There are some who are raising their voices...although it looks like anyone pitching for the rights of a "detainee" is by definition giving comfort to the enemy. This seems to be a zero-sum game, where ulitmately we all can be judged "enemies of the state." Yes, any "free-thinkers" are already on thin ice. Throw global warming into the mix and that ice is getting thinner by the day...

Fuck Torture!

Yes, dammit, I've "lost my space," to the torture debate. Sometimes a song gets in your head, and you just can't get it out. Or a co-worker pisses you off, and you rack your brain trying to figure out how to respond, or...well, you put yourself in the place of some poor dude stuck in a prison cell somewhere, with a cattle prod up his ass, or stuck to a "waterboard" to simulate drowning, or well, whatever horror you'd probably call "torture" if your mother or father, or brother or sister were subjected to it. What is it that Walt Kelly's Pogo said: "We have met the enemy, and he is us." I think it's not so much what the terrorists will do to us that we should worry about, instead, what will we do to ourselves in the face of the fear of terror? And how is it that Evangelical Christians can endorse torture? What the fuck? No more more lectures from those scum-sucking pricks! And then there's this from our noble-fucking political class, as so eloquently put by another blogger: "If the Republicans are now the Party of Torture, the Democrats are now the Party of Torture? Yeah, I guess so." No, I am not proud to be an American...I'd rather be considered a Citizen of the World...this is Authoritarian Bullshit of the worst kind. We are all Winston Smith now.

Expansiveness

I guess I'm always running to, or runnning from something. Maybe both at the same time. This morning, it was bright sunshine, shimmering water. I run on a path that snakes through the Northwestern campus. I can't really convey the beauty, the incredible expansiveness that opens out at certain points on the path. It's amazing what a less than pristine body of water, a bold, brilliant sun (hello, old friend), a big blue sky with little cloud wisps, and an open horizon can do for the soul. I could feel the expansiveness, the clarity, the smallness of being a human being overtake me. It was something folks. I actually thought, "everything is in it's place." Now that is not the usual sentiment when I'm back in the land of buildings and storm clouds. How did all of this come together? How is it that we find ourselves here on this little spinning rock? I have no answers. I just keep running.

Do the Right Thing...

Quotes from Dave Von Ronk, the Mayor of McDougal Street:

"Music is punctuated silence."

AND

"Sometimes you have to drop your principles and just do the right thing."

The Good Guys

As an aspiring "Dog Philosopher," (or maybe it should be Philosopher Dog), every day brings another confirmation of the degradation of our state. This must be what it was like in the early stages of the Stalin era, or dare I say it, Herr Hitler? You know something is seriously wrong, it's in the papers every day, another outrage, another counter-intuitive piece of information jumps out and smacks you upside the head. Do we pray for guidance? What big dog do we bow down to? Rin Tin Tin, Lassie, Snoopy?

Today we find that the National Intelligence Estimate has concluded that the Iraq war has made us less (not more) safe from terrorism. No Fucking Shit, Sherlock! And the torture bill looks like a cinch to pass through the hands of the nodded out drones in the House and Senate...I guess, at least we can't say that the leadership isn't being honest with us. We torture, we kill, (and dammit, we're proud of it, don't you know), because...well...because we are the good guys.

"Dogs Run Free...Why Can't We?" - B. Dylan

Is there one Democratic Senator willing to stand up against torture? Is this Republic so terror-crazed that we've decided terror really is the only answer?

"Cynicism was an ancient Greek philosophy, primarily concerned with virtue, whose followers were known as "The Dog Philosophers." They believed that virtue was the only necessity for happiness and that it was wholly sufficient for attaining happiness. They followed this philosophy to the extent of neglecting everything that did not further their perfection of virtue and their attainment of happiness. Thus the title cynics, from the Greek word for dog, kuon , was assigned to them because they lived like dogs; neglecting society, hygiene, family, money, etc. in order to lead wholly virtuous and happy lives."

They say every dog has it's day...maybe the only road to virtue and happiness is to emulate the Canine? Sometimes it's hard to admit to being a human being...we degrade ourselves, our planet every damn day...