I do think much of my late childhood, early teen years, and well into my 20's & 30's that "hatred of things," sat easily on my shoulders, and was useful to me. It was just a general hate. Not happy with my lot in life. Edgy, gnarly, quick to be a smart-ass. It gave me purpose. Not the best place to meet the day, but it was there. I used it in my day to day, and I used it in my creative pursuits: writing short stories, poems, plays, and learning & playing guitar. I liked the dark & edgy shit. Yes. As Johnny Rotten once wrote: "Anger is an Energy." You can use hate & anger in useful, non-destructive ways. But of course, it's a double-edged sword too.
Funny. I, by & large, left that behind after lots of work on myself. I became a long-distance runner, I gave up drinking alcohol, I changed my diet, became a vegetarian, I learned meditation, and did "psychic-spiritual work." I had a lots of great relationships with interesting & creative people. I had a few major revelations including a deep insight & understanding of the interconnected nature of all living things. Ha. I lived for inspiration & transformation.
Anyway, yesterday that "hate everything mode," was a way of touching bottom. A starting over. It actually wasn't a bad way to start the day. You can't get any lower than that, the only way forward is "up." Simple things like a good cup of coffee, Neil Young singing & playing on the stereo, a good meal, communing with my best friend, a long, lazy afternoon sitting by a shimmering, gorgeous pool, playing a borrowed Martin guitar, singing all the random cover songs I know. Laughing about all the stupid shit that currently intrudes on our lives.
No sting in the hate. It just sort of evaporated in the air. I found all the things, small & large, that I love. The journey of a day. One day in the life. It was renewing, refreshing, relaxing. We conjured up some new dreams, and a few kooky ideas. Engaged. Diverted. Entertained.
