Friday, December 31, 2021

Not a Number...

Last day of 2021...

Who's counting? I mean, we have numbers, we put numbers on things, and count those numbers up, but, you know, numbers don't really do justice to life. Life is bigger, bolder, stranger, more unpredictable than we can know. At least, that's how I am leaning this morning. The Physicists tell us Mathematics seems to be the language of the Universe, and maybe that is so, but what of beauty, poetry, music, dance, love? They all seem beyond numbers.

 My motto for the last day of 2021, and, maybe the first day of 2022 too:

Life, It's Not What You Think!

The a.m. soundtrack - "Ys" by Joanna Newsom (2006) - This record is a total mystery to me. Joanna's voice short-circuits my brain, I hear an elfin, twee, child-like, sing-song, fairy fronting a sophisticated and elaborate orchestral palate of instruments (Van Dyke Parks!). I have no idea what she is singing about. My sense-making faculty is rendered useless. At first I found the record disorienting and pretty off-putting. But now I let it wash over me. Sounds like some long, meandering fable, a  strange narrative in another language (she is singing in English!), about things of which I know nothing. And that's ok. It is unlike anything else out there. Perfect way to end this strange, weird, unfathomable year.

Thursday, December 30, 2021

Some Deny & Deflect...

Hot damn. That raging virus really is relentless. Mutating. Furiously circulating in the Human Herd. It's serious, deadly, and super-transmissible. Funny. The Human Beings seem to be done with with virus, but the virus seems like it's just getting started. Folks can deflect and deny all they want, they can pretend it's all a grand conspiracy, or a political thing, some liberal plot, or whatever stone-cold stupidity they can think up to avoid being smart and responsible. The virus doesn't give a damn. It wants to live, to multiply, to prosper. It's happy to make us all sick, and send some of us to the hospital and kill many millions of us too.

Darwin. You think of Charles Darwin and his "dangerous idea." Evolution. Natural Selection. The Human Herd is "self-selecting" at the moment. Some folks are clinging to their delusions all the way to the grave. It's a pretty amazing thing to witness.

Getting vaccinated & boosted, wearing a mask,  still distancing, these seem like simple, clear-headed steps a thinking person would take. Strategies to survive, to get to breathe another day. Anything else seems so stupid, ridiculous, tragic, idiotic. Human Beings are the "tricky monkeys" who never tire of tricking themselves. Funny. In a not so funny way.

The a.m. soundtrack - Wilco's "The Whole Love" (2011) - A fabulous record in a long line of fabulous Wilco albums. Every time I spin this one, I think it's Wilco at a peak of invention, and dazzling musicianship. Jeff Tweedy sounds Lennon-like on some of these tracks and Wilco is at their creative, Beatles-like best. It reminds me of the Power of Love. My love for great music, my love for human ingenuity, my love for the best of humanity; even as I am also often disappointed, and horrified by the worst aspects of humanity and depths of human depravity. This record gives me hope for a better day, and our better angels. Every damn time I give it a listen. Wilco: excellent medicine. Hell, give me a shot, no make that two shots, and an extra booster too!

Wednesday, December 29, 2021

Uncertainty. Certainly.

Uncertain times. Tattoo that on your tush. No kidding. We swim in an ocean of uncertainty. Maybe there is a certain freedom in that? There's a responsibility too. It's the Human Thing playing out in a big, magnificent, unpredictable, and sort of unfathomable Universe. Life = Long-form Improvisation. Doing our best as Human Beings. Playing the hand we find ourselves holding. It isn't a test. Maybe a journey. For sure, it's our Lives rolling out before us like some wondrous, unknowable, uncontainable ribbon of existing.

Tuesday, December 28, 2021

Post-Gloom...


This morning listening to Thom Yorke and Radiohead's  "A Moon Shaped Pool" (2016). Emerging from a major gloom yesterday. Why the gloom? I don't know, probably a million reasons, but really no good reason. The gloom came upon me like a weather front. A deep darkness, fat clouds of emotion, pure feeling, sat on me, and totally inhabited my body. Gloom like a drug, an infestation; nothing to do but surrender. I could try put a name to the gloom, but the gloom was bigger than any puny name, idea or thought. I was in an ocean of gloom.

A long, fit-full night's sleep, and thankfully I am lighter this morning, with just the wispy memories of the darkness dancing out the top of my head.

Radiohead's album is the perfect morning soundtrack. I have always connected with this Radiohead album. A bit elegiac, not so much r&r; more floaty, with orchestrations. Musically quite majestic; suffused with Yorke's fragmented, fractured lines in the middle of a rich sound spectrum. A truly great band. Sometimes that "fractured-ness" has put me off, but then again, in the right mood, there is nothing better, nothing more evocative of our human situation. Best is when I have no idea what Thom is singing, just his haunting voice swirling above the sound.

Post-gloom today.

Monday, December 27, 2021

Smaller...

I'm not kidding. I am getting smaller. I think of that movie, "The Incredible Shrinking Man." Never actually saw it, but I think I understand the premise. In my case, I am slowly, incrementally getting smaller. Is it age? Gravity? Are my bones actually shrinking? I don't know. My companion thinks this is wonderful. She looks forward to a time when she can put me in her pocket. 

You know, as I child I really, really wanted to be invisible. I did my best. I was always shocked when a Nun called me out in Catholic grade school. I thought no one could see me, and I was happy about it. It seemed like a super-power. It was only later when I got into acting and music that I really wanted to be seen. Strange journey. And then, well, being on stage acting and singing, often I was invisible. It was only gradually that I got more, and more attention when I performed.

Now, I am happy to be seen, but then, a new unexpected development, I am shrinking. I bought a new hat from a shop in Poland, it's enormous, an enormous knit-hat. Makes me look like a very small man. All my clothes seem over-sized now. It's comfy, cozy, but everything is now hanging off me. I look like a tiny rag doll in human clothes. Weird. I don't know where this ends.  

The a.m. soundtrack - "Emerson, Lake & Palmer" (1970). I always loved this record. Never understood the intense hatred for this band. I know, maybe it's the name, it sounds like a law firm, but these three musicians really, really know how to play their instruments. A classical bent. Prog-Rock. Later in the 70's the Punks made bands like this seem like dinosaurs. No matter. Sounds fabulous this morning on the box.

Sunday, December 26, 2021

Good Enough...

If you believe Life is Good, you are basically throwing your lot in with the Lovers, those who embrace the world with both arms, with hearts wide-open. It's a dicey proposition. You will get hurt, you will suffer, you will see others suffer and die, and still, you are left with Love and the idea of The Good. Some folks drop one of the "O's" and come up with GOD. But really, we are talking about an idea, and a feeling, not a being. We don't need an all-powerful creator, we can make a determined turn to Love and Goodness all on our own. Being kind. Not in some grand, all encompassing way, but in a small way. Be Gentle. Be Kind. Turn to Love. An idea, an impulse, a tendency. A leaning to the Lightness of Being. How to explain pain, suffering, death, bad acts, the misery, the horror? You don't.  There is no  explaining. No answer.  The Good Life sits side by side with the Bad, the Horrible, the Evil. Just like everything in the Universe there is "the thing," and it's opposite. Do Good and Evil cancel each other out? I don't know. Maybe it's beyond math. You end up having to embrace it all.  The order and chaos. The things you can embrace, and those you can't get your arms or head around. You will be destroyed too. That's just the way of the world. But, still, finally, you embrace what you can and what you can't. You believe Good will prevail even if you can't prove a thing.  You throw in your lot with Lovers of Life.  Damn the torpedos. And that's got to be good enough. 

Saturday, December 25, 2021

Zen Master of the Goof!

I have a few days off. So, I get to maximize my goofing off time. Goofing off. I do think it's an important human mode. Ever since I was a wee lad growing up in little suburban enclave, goofing off has totally come naturally to me. I am sort of a Zen Master of the Goof.  A freely-offered & determined, a supremely disciplined & focused, a ramshackle and silly, goofing off. Goofing off with a purpose: expanding and enriching my mental, physical and spiritual space. And I do think it has kept me fairly sane, and happy.  My go-to goofs: meditation, music (the exquisite & inspiring,  "Floating Points" - 2021 - is on the cd player at the moment), movies, walking, biking, restringing my guitars, writing songs & poems, singing songs, reading books (my latest read is a ripping-yarn, a rollicking, masterfully told tale about the abolitionist John Brown, James McBride's magnificent, "The Good Lord Bird"). I mean I am totally serious about goofing off, with the understanding that all goofing off comes out of a deep sense of joy & play. The stuff of a well-lived life. No doubt.

Friday, December 24, 2021

Life. Yes.

This Christmas Eve morning we are listening to the beautiful, masterful, inspiring, and life-giving album by Bill Fay: "Life is People." (2012)


Let's call it a "humanistic" manifesto. People. They are tricky, complicated, beautiful, inspiring, maddening, sometimes horrifying, and deeply disappointing too. Human Beings: the solution and the problem. Both. A mixed bag. All of us sons and daughters of Mitochondrial Eve. 

We are laying low this Holiday season. Another pandemic version of a well-rounded life. 

Isolating, masked, vaxxed, boosted, wondering about the human herd. We are doing our best to stay safe, healthy, happy, and NOT INSANE. Lots of reading, writing, playing music, listening to music, laughing, loving, streaming movies. Keeping our heads held high.  Let's try to make it to another day all in one piece.  There are no guarantees. Everything is precious. Life. Yes. It is good.

Thursday, December 23, 2021

Giddy Madness of the Human Herd...

Clean living. Don't do stupid shit. I mean, yes, sounds simple, maybe simple-minded, but sometimes it's best to cut thru the deep B.S. we all swim in. We watch our fellow humans as they cling with all their might to a fixed & determined stupidity. They rush full-force to their own untimely demise. We marvel at the display of the giddy madness of the human herd. Crazy. Illogical. Irrational. Tricky. Supremely stupid. Unnecessary. Like I've said before: totally Gob-Smacking! It's not hard to be smart, empathetic, responsible, to know what's good and true, to lean to the light, to be happy and healthy. I mean, pretty easy, open your eyes, pay attention. Wake up!

Wednesday, December 22, 2021

Q & A...

Burning question of the morning...

Q: How do you get people who don't care about other people to care about other people?

A: Beats me. 

Tuesday, December 21, 2021

Dark to Light to Dark...

Winter Solstice today: "also called the hiemal solstice, hibernal solstice, and brumal solstice, occurs when either of Earth's poles reaches its maximum tilt away from the Sun. This happens twice yearly, once in each hemisphere (Northern and Southern). For that hemisphere, the winter solstice is the day with the shortest period of daylight and longest night of the year, when the Sun is at its lowest daily maximum elevation in the sky.[3] Either pole experiences continuous darkness or twilight around its winter solstice. The opposite event is the summer solstice. Depending on the hemisphere's winter solstice, at the Tropic of Cancer or Capricorn, the Sun reaches 90° below the observer's horizon at solar midnight, to the nadir."

Here in the Midwest we wake up to the darkness, we have a few brief hours of light, and then early darkness descends once again. Sort of resembles the trajectory of our lives. Dark to Light to Dark.

This is a reminder that we all exist on a spinning little globe in a big old Universe of things. Gravity holds our feet to the ground. The Sun, that big ball of flame feeds all Life here on Terra Firma.

It's a weird-ass Life. All kind of humbling if we pay attention...

Monday, December 20, 2021

Manifesto of the Now...

Manifesto of the Now
(see previous post)

What to say?

Breathe.
Listen.
Pay Attention.

Be alive to 
the moment.

Always.

We embody
the Past
we carry it in 
our bodies
our thoughts
our memories

You know
don't be a Dolt
Know your History.

And imagine 
a Future

But remember
we live
here.

Right here.
Right now.

Sunday, December 19, 2021

Right Now, This Moment...

You find wisdom where you can. 

Thinking of Wayne Coyne of the Flaming Lips, and his line from a song on the album, "Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots"  (2002). The line has been ringing in my head like a little tinkling bell this morning: 


It is sort of a manifesto. It's all about life, right now, this moment. It's always just the moment. So much possibility there. It is expansive. Contains the world, in a thimble. Everything else falls away from this moment. No time for looking back, no space to look forward, breathe into the moment. Now is the time. Basically for anything and everything.

Saturday, December 18, 2021

Not Impossible...

Yesterday was Impossible Burger day around here. Yes. A better burger. No cows slaughtered in the process. If we all went the Impossible way, it would be a huge step forward in our fight to "save the planet." Can a better burger change your life, change the world? Yes, probably so. What if everyone on the planet decided to go the Impossible way?

Less cows, less methane, less death, less deforestation.

We are long-time vegetarians around here. We didn't have a deep craving for burgers, but when an Impossible Burger came our way, we gladly cooked it up and ate it with complete joy & gusto. So delicious. No guilt. No murder. Pretty damn satisfying.

Remember. Food is medicine. You don't want to eat dead meat. You don't want to put death and fear into your body. Really. Think about it. Yuck. Impossible Burger, give it a go. Really, I mean, you won't regret it! If we could put the meat industry out of business that would be a truly wonderful thing, it would be better for our own personal health, for all the pretty creatures who roam the planet, and of course, for the climate that supports all living things on this spinning globe. No doubt.  And don't forget: Tasty, Wholesome & Good. 

I mean, really, don't hesitate. Impossible. Try it. Let's change world, one burger, and one meal at a time!

Friday, December 17, 2021

One Big Sniffer...

Strange, but true...

I seem to be shrinking
getting smaller
by the day

I stand next to
my long-time companion
and I seem absolutely
tiny

Pretty soon I will
be saddling up on
little doggies
and trotting down
the sidewalks

At the same time
my sense of smell
is increasing

Is there some 
relationship?

As my sense of smell
increases
my size 
decreases?

Pretty soon 
I will just be
one big sniffer
in a tiny package

Strange, but true...

Thursday, December 16, 2021

Is There a Center?

Everything is bright and shiny. Everything is fraying at the edges. Maybe both of these can be "true?" When you start talking about "everything" you are going into uncharted waters. That kind of thinking probably says more about what's going on inside your own noodle than what's really happening out there. Will the center hold? Is there a center?

Wednesday, December 15, 2021

"Seeds of Light 2022"

Yes. I am in a band named whitewolfsonicprincess. A fan once described our music as: 21st Century Druid Music. Which is really just the finest description we can imagine. It's true, we do sing about trees quite often. Our first show of 2022 will be at a magnificent music room: SPACE in Evanston, IL ***

Tickets are on sale NOW

https://www.eventbrite.com/e/whitewolfsonicprincess-tickets-198604269717 

Live music, in a fabulous music room? There is nothing better. We will have a few special guests for the night.  Hope you can join us. "Seeds of Light 2022!"


***BTW - SPACE is being super-responsible and intelligent when it comes safety & health for live events at their wonderful music-room. Covid-19 Vaccines and Masks are required for for all attendees, band members, and staff!

Tuesday, December 14, 2021

"Let Go the Wheel…"

Events conspire, and you are inclined to "let go the wheel." You are in a vehicle, let's say you are on the backroads in an indeterminate land. You are a bit lost, you know you are heading West, you can see the sun ahead of you, trees and mile-markers are whizzing by, it's a sort of bleak land, the fields are fallow, looks like the crop has had difficulty finding purchase. It's a hard country. Stony ground. Unforgiving. You find most of your inspiration comes from above, the rolling, roiling atmosphere, the invisible ether, pillowy clouds, blue sky. At night the plump, over-stuffed moon looms above you, and sparkling stars wink at you. But, you know, you are land-locked and this is the middle of a day you can't reckon. And the wheels of the vehicle keep spinning. You tune in the radio but it is just noise and madness on the wave. Chatter, white-noise. You can't seem to find the hard-baked blues you yearn to hear. You let go. Take your hands from the wheel and let the vehicle glide forward. There is a brief moment of total freedom and abandon. It's just moment, a moment of a few seconds. You think this vehicle really does have a "mind of it's own," a purpose an intention, or at least a direction. Which is more than you can say for yourself. You wear a cloak of lostness. It's heavy, dark, but surprisingly, it fits nicely upon you, like a second skin, comfortable, it agrees with you, you are aligned with the contours of this special cloak. Lost. But. Moving forward. Figuring there is something ahead. Not driving. Not steering. Watching. Observing. Taking everything in. Trying to memorize every field, every white-line on the pavement, every pebble. Even this you do with little purpose, just letting it all wash over you, thru you, thinking maybe it will leave a mark, a stain, an essence. Or, maybe not.

Monday, December 13, 2021

Wrong About Lunch...

God or No God, I was wrong about lunch yesterday (see previous post). Lounging in the lap of luxury on a sunny Sunday, we ordered in Thai food from one of our favorite local restaurants. Sometimes the right Thai noodle and Tofu Satay drizzled in peanut sauce, delivered at the right time, is just a marvel. We were living it up like the Uppermost of the Upper-Crust.

We did a few walks with our furry friend on the lakefront, water lapping the shore, sun streaming thru the trees, everything seemingly perfect and in its right place. Then we sprawled out on a massive, comfy couch and watched two Jane Campion movies, "Bright Star," and "The Power of the Dog." Two exquisite, life-affirming, overwhelming films. Renews your faith in Art, Film, Beauty, Intelligence, a Sharp Eye, the Wonders of our World, the Heart-Breaking Impermanence of Being.

A necessary cleanse of the Mind & Spirit. To say Campion is one of our finest screenwriters and filmmakers is a total understatement.

This morning, another sunny day. The light is dazzling at this incredibly wonderful location. I started with Sly and the Family Stone's "Fresh," (1973) on the box, funky, slinky, cool. Sly sings "You can have it all," and I flash on William Blake's "The Road of Excess, Leads to the Palace of Wisdom." You can have it all, if you can survive intact, with all your fingers and toes and faculties. I say, be careful Pilgrim, fun isn't always what it's cracked up to be. Pace yourself.

Right now I am listening to the Grateful Dead's "Two from the Vault," recorded in LA in 1968. Head-opening. Eye-clearing. Jerry Garcia's lyrical, melodic, wild-ass, beautiful lead lines are a thing of wonder. Nothing quite like the glory of Captain Trips on a harmonic bender of complete guitar ecstasy. There is a trippy, bluesy-ness on these tracks. Kind of sets a brilliant, hopeful tone for the new day.

Sunday, December 12, 2021

Big & Small

Nick Cave is singing on the box this morning, he sings, "God is in the house," and I write the same sentence at the the same time as he is singing the line. "We wish he would come out, God is in the house." Taking dictation this morning from Nick. 

I am surrounded on all sides by light, blazing sunlight, it's a feature of this remarkable home I am residing in at the moment. 

Thinking big thoughts and small thoughts too. The big one: God is a useful idea. He, She or It. You think wouldn't it be nice if there were one being in the Universe who understood "what's what?" A brief comforting thought. But maybe too much to ask for, and finally probably irrelevant. 

You know, we are on our own. Bathing in the light, wondering what the day will bring, I mean, the small thought that looms large, maybe even the heart of the matter: "I wonder what's for lunch?!" And leaning towards an answer, well, it's a bit Godly, don't you think, to know, thinking with a flash of certainty, and the Lord said, "Maybe it Shall Be Pasta!"

Saturday, December 11, 2021

One Action at a Time...

The reason I love C.G. Jung's advice on "how to live," (see previous post), is because it is so liberating. Our job is not to figure out life, but to live, one action at a time. Always being doing the next most essential and necessary thing. It is such a clarifying directive. And, of course, it reminds us that our lives are really up to us. We are "the authorities" the authors and creators of our own lives. We must trust the moment, and pay attention to the moment. To listen. To act. As best we can. Simple. Clear. Purposeful.

Friday, December 10, 2021

"The Next Most Necessary Thing..."

If you are looking for a "wise person,"  someone to look to for guidance, you can't go wrong with  C.G. Jung. I do believe he was one of the greatest of minds when it comes to Human Beings and Human Psychology.

"Among the central concepts of analytical psychology is individuation—the lifelong psychological process of differentiation of the self out of each individual's conscious and unconscious elements. Jung considered it to be the main task of human development. He created some of the best known psychological concepts, including synchronicity, archetypal phenomena, the collective unconscious, the psychological complex and extraversion and introversion."

Looking for advice on "How to Live?" Be sure to check out this Brain Pickings post. A letter  from C.G. Jung in response to a questioner:

"But if you want to go your individual way, it is the way you make for yourself, which is never prescribed, which you do not know in advance, and which simply comes into being of itself when you put one foot in front of the other. If you always do the next thing that needs to be done, you will go most safely and sure-footedly along the path prescribed by your unconscious. Then it is naturally no help at all to speculate about how you ought to live. And then you know, too, that you cannot know it, but quietly do the next and most necessary thing. So long as you think you don’t yet know what this is, you still have too much money to spend in useless speculation. But if you do with conviction the next and most necessary thing, you are always doing something meaningful and intended by fate." - C.G. Jung

Let me just say, as a life-long, quester after meaning, heart, and purpose, the above is the most practical, powerful, useful, on-target advice I have ever read on how to live and the best way forward.  Really. Take it to the bank. And then "quietly do the next and most necessary thing." Exactly.  That's the fucking trick right there. I'd like to tattoo that on my forearm, and shout it to the rooftops!

Thursday, December 09, 2021

De-Ghosting...

Still dramatizing...

I think I finally banished that ghost from my space. How did I do it? First, I asked politely: "Dear Madam, would you be so kind to vacate my space? I am having a bit of difficulty co-habitating with you."

Yes, and listening to Fiona Apple helped too. I played her album, "Fetch the Bolt Cutters" twice yesterday morning.  Something about Fiona's fire, creativity and quirky, feisty individuality really helped me find my inner space.

Plus, of course, there was the coffee, a long meditation, the Swiss Chocolate, a luxurious soak in the bathtub, with suds and eucalyptus crystals. All of that seemed to help. By the time I was out and about in the world, there was bit more spring in my step. A renewed clarity of purpose.

Also, a fabulous pasta meal, and well, we played music with our band too. My mojo slowly returned. Nearly full mojo this a.m.  Happy.

Wednesday, December 08, 2021

Ghost in My Space...

Another dramatization...

I think that ghost jumped into me (see previous post titled Haunted House), you know, that spirit,  that essence of that perfumed ghost that I lived with for a few days. I haven't been able to shake this cloud in my head. I feel "ghosted," as in having a ghost in my space. I think it's that matronly lady with the pearls and big flowing gown. She followed me home.

I have been walking around a bit bleary-eyed, like I'm sharing my head-space and body-space with another spirit. Weird. That never happened before. It's bit crowed here and I feel like I've lost of bit of control over my own being. Strange.

The coffee helps a bit, but I do feel a bit of a mojo-deficit, my mojo isn't totally depleted, but it is down a few quarts. I'm like an old, sputtering car leaking oil, back-firing and sending smoke into the atmosphere.

So, I am sort of fighting this ghost. Trying to shake her. Like I said, the coffee helps, I'm getting a bit of clarity this a.m. Right now listening to Fiona Apple's "Fetch the Bolt Cutters" (2020), every song is like a hit of smelling salts, bringing me back. Fiona's fire and creativity is a balm to my original essence. Slowly, I am emerging from the depths of a great ocean. I am hoping by the end of the record I'll be back. But, you know, who really knows? Life is weird.

Tuesday, December 07, 2021

The Coffee Talking...

A friend who occasionally reads my blog once told me I write about coffee often. Maybe too often?! I am sure it's true. I am usually buzzing on coffee when I sit down at the keyboard. So, if what I am writing reads a bit excitable, fuzzy, weird, or under-cooked, blame it on my dedicated caffeine addiction.

This one is about coffee too.

I got into the habit of grinding my coffee and pouring water in the coffee maker the night before, making it ready for the morning brew. So when I stumble into the kitchen in the a.m. I just flick the switch on and it's starts doing it's thing.

I realize now, that this little act of forethought, and late night action is an act of affirmation, a small gesture of hope that there will be a tomorrow, and that I will need to fortify myself with coffee to face the new day once again. It's a small bit of conjuring. A projecting out into a supposed future.

I cast my thoughts into the darkness and carry a small flicker of light in my eye. Yes, we all, everyone one of us on the planet, will awake, we will face a new day together.  Alternatively, I now realize I must do this little action of projection. I must not forget to go thru the ritual of preparing my coffee machine for the next morning. It is a new, very big responsibility, once I started this little future-projecting project.

I have a strange, sneaky suspicion that if I failed to do it, I failed to prepare next day's brew, the world and everything in it would end. My one small omission would lead to Apocalypse. You know if there is a tomorrow, we all can thank, me and my coffee machine. Is that crazy or what?! 

Yes, I know,  totally bat-shit crazy, but, you know, I'm not sure,  maybe it's just the coffee talking?!?

Monday, December 06, 2021

Haunted House...

This post is a dramatization...

The house. It is haunted. It's an old, creaky house. None of the doors work correctly. Every lock is hinky, every key is difficult, no knob turns, everything is sticky. The wooden gates in the backyard are creaky and broken, barely hold back the storm. Getting in and getting out is difficult. The stairs front and back are old, slippery, dangerous. There are trees in the backyard shedding some kind of pod. If you step on them they are sticky and stinky, super-odiferous. The odors hangs over the backyard and wafts in the the kitchen.The staircase indoors, leading to the upper floors, is super-steep, treacherous, every step an adventure. Every step feels like a disaster in the making.

I am staying here with three furry critters. 

One is spooked quite easily, had a rough childhood, probably suffering PTSD, a bit feral, hates men in uniforms, anyone on wheels: skateboard, roller-blades, bicycles. Any loud noise, or fast movement can spook him. He will make noises of viciousness, and will bare his fangs. He lunges at squirrels and rabbits as if he can't wait to leave them bloody carcasses. He is scary. You can't trust him. Danger lurks on every step of every walk. I had a close call in the a.m when a runner ran up behind and cut it close. He nearly got bit. I held the leash like my last thread of being.

The second one, stubby and rotund. A black critter, one-eyed, one of his big brown eyes popped out of his head. He is total Id. Think Robin Williams in his manic phase, on crack. Think Gollum from Lord of the Rings. "Me wants, me wants, me wants."  Lovable, but follows my every step. Always on the hunt for food. At feeding time, he whimpers, barks, tells you how important it is to be fed RIGHT NOW! At night he whimpers at the bottom of the stairs. Hidden demons, hidden spirits?

The third one is sweet. He has epilepsy. He is on CDB oil.  Once in awhile he bursts into long, sustained barking fits. He barks out the window, at the TV, sometimes into the ether. Often barking into the void, the dark mystic. Maybe at ghosts?!

Pretty sure there is a ghost here. 

Once in awhile a very strong waft of perfume moves thru the house. It doesn't seem like a malevolent spirit, but an active one. I get the heebie-jeebies as soon as I enter the house. There is a supreme unease that descends upon me. No good place to lounge. No comfortable chair.  There is an old painting looming over the living room. A matronly, distinguished-looking woman, dressed in clothes from the 1920's; a string of pearls, a woman of substance and taste.  Is she the ghost who roams here? I asked her once, nothing but stony silence. I waited for her eyes to move, or for a smile to cross her lips, a chill running up my spine, nothing.

And shit always goes wrong here.

I left my phone in a jacket pocket and washed it in the washing machine. Very clean, very dead. I broke the French Press after using it twice. It fell over in the sink and shattered. Things go wrong. Every little thing. It is cold in one room, hot in another. There is no rhyme or reason to the season. I've slipped on the stairs, catching myself, catching a breath of air, one false step away from catastrophe. 

I am allergic to this house. There is hair, dog-hair, everywhere. It's a relatively clean place, not cluttered, but there are little white hairs in every crook and cranny, every chair, every couch, every pillow and blanket. Maybe invisible hairs, or essence of hair in the very air? Every breath of mine becomes labored. 

Breathing here is a chore, a job. Of course, this is a job. I get paid to be here. Fairly well-paid, but you know, not sure it's worth it. What is the price?  Haunted. Even when I finally get back home, I carry a haunted-hang-over and a "dog cold."


Glad to be home in one piece, breathing a bit better this a.m.  But, you know, Yikes!

Sunday, December 05, 2021

The Red Mist...

"Seeing red." Yeah. Pissed off. Enraged. Losing control to anger. I try to avoid it. But it is in my repertoire. 

I recently had an episode. Someone I have been kind and generous to, took advantage of a situation, and well, the button was pushed, and the red mist came down upon me.  

Funny. It was in a situation where if I responded, all hell would have broken loose, so instead I silently fumed. I could feel my internal organs exploding. I could feel the anger flowing thru my extremities.

I carried that with me home. Not a good thing. Not at all. 

It was like a powerful, pernicious drug captivating my system.  What to do? Deep breathing. Talking it out. Pacing around the kitchen for a bit. I was like a caged lion for a few hours aftewards.

I had a difficult night's sleep. But I did get thru, and the next morning, the wave of rage had subsided. I vowed to myself to not get angry like that ever again. I could feel the hangover of the event, a hollow spot in my solar plexus where the rage had been.

The slings and arrows always come unexpected, usually from some unknown quarter, or from someone close. I realize for me the worst attacks usually come from someone I considered a friend, or fellow-traveller. 

Calm detachment. It's a worthy goal. But, you know, people are tricky. And shit always happens. The angry response seems useless, and harmful, not something you want to do, but also sometimes difficult to avoid. I vow to do better... but...

Saturday, December 04, 2021

Moments of Pure Magic...

So, yeah, that Beatles doc really sent me for a loop (see 3 last posts). Our band has had some very intense rehearsals for upcoming shows, and the dysfunction on display via Disney +, from one of the greatest bands ever, was quite disorienting.

Writing songs, bringing them to our band and working thru them with fabulous, totally-committed musicians is probably the most exciting, engaging and rewarding activities we can imagine. When we enter the rehearsal space, it's like entering a sacred circle of creativity. It is where we play, we have fun, we do the serious work.

We are creating a group energy that transcends any one member of the circle. The songs are just a vehicle, a structure we use as a platform to fly. There were a few moments in the doc where the players got lost in the song, especially when Billy Preston was at the keyboard, but it was certainly gob-smacking to see how much time was wasted and how little time was spent flying.

I am not saying our process is better than anyone else's. It is just the way we work, a method, a process that has developed organically over time. We do think we are on the right track. Maybe because we have successfully simplified our approach. We are also a small, independent band with a limited budget to get things done, and we just don't have the time and money to just fuck off.

We must do the work. We must continue to bring new material to the band. We must keep everyone engaged, and excited about practicing, fine-tuning songs, and playing out in the world. We need to be focused, disciplined, honorable, dedicated, and serious. And at the same time we need to play, to have fun, to keep things light and flexible.

If we do all of that, it gives us an opportunity to reach beyond ourselves, to create a unique group vibration, which we can use to transcend the moment, the rational, the logical, and the mundane, the normal day to day thing. Catching lightening in a bottle. Trying to be there for those moments of pure magic.

Friday, December 03, 2021

Be Great, or Be Gone...

I knew if I waded in with my thoughts and feelings about Peter Jackson's "Get Back" Beatles doc, that it would be a multi-post deal (see previous two posts).  My creative partner and I watched every minute, some of it was thrilling, much of it totally disorienting and disheartening. Maximum dislocation. On the one hand so marvelous and fabulous to see the Fab Four young and alive. And, at the same time, so disillusioning to see them so broken and fractured and dysfunctional as a band. Being a "John Guy," I was greatly disappointed to see how Lennon at first was seemingly stoned, and zombified, and then he sort of woke up, and dithered, clowned, and turned the creative group thing into a free-for-all for much of the time.

I mean, I am trying not to judge these young adults, for much of my life I have looked up to them as music-makers and charismatic personalities, but man, you would not want to have to work the way they worked on this particular project. So much wasted time. So pointless. So many hours not getting to the work at hand. Lots of laziness; a stoned and passive & aggressive manner. Yes, some of it was endearing, funny, and you wonder if anarchy and madness really was part of their creative process. But finally exhausting, disappointing, disillusioning.

I have spent much of life in rooms with creative folks, mainly actors and musicians, working on projects, both theatrical and musical. The results have always been a bit marginal and sketchy, but the process has usually been magnificent. 

I have had some massive car-crash, dysfunctional situations and I have learned you want to weed out the assholes, those folks who come in with another agenda. Our method: leave your ego at the door, roll up your sleeves, listen, pay attention, be totally there and give it up to the group, and the work. 

I am not comparing the work. The end result. The work has to speak for itself, it will find it's place in the world or not. But to me the creative process, the working process in the studio, the rehearsal room, the theater space is sort of SACRED! The process itself is the thing. Maybe I'm wrong, but I don't think so. I do believe in the good work, the creative process, it is everything.  

As David Briggs, Neil Young's great record Producer and Collaborator would always tell Neil: "Be Great or Be Gone." Get in the studio and do the work.

So, yeah, this is all personal. I have always loved the Beatles, Lennon, and the Fab Four's magnificent catalog of music. I have to believe that earlier in the careers they were more focused, and more efficient, more dedicated to the work. No doubt they were all immensely talented. Finally you can't argue with the results. The finest Pop/Rock music imaginable.

Maybe there was a method to the madness, but this doc really makes it look like the madness pretty much ruled. The great George Martin just seemed to look on wistfully, hoping the boys would come to their senses. And of course, they did get back to work to record "Abbey Road" (1969) in a, one hopes and assumes, more disciplined fashion. George Martin was back producing and obviously he had a big hand steering that project in a more productive, less chaotic manner.

Yesterday I turned to another of my musical heroes. I listened to Bob Dylan's "Highway 61 Revisited," (1965) and "Blonde on Blonde" (1966). On headphones the high-fidelity SACD editions. I did it as an active, sonic antidote to my Beatles disillusioning.  Dylan recorded "Highway 61 Revisited" in four days. He got in a studio in New York and created a fucking masterpiece record with a group of total professionals including Michael Bloomfield and Al Kooper. They just got down to the work. The bulk of "Blonde on Blonde" was recorded in Nashville with Al Kooper, Robby Robertson, and the cream of the Nashville studio cats in 7 days.

Now that's inspiring. I don't mean to lionize Dylan, he is just another flawed human being and of course, also a genius, and I'm sure he is a handful to work with, but, you know, he and Neil Young have proved over and again that the creative work can materialize in an instant.  Really. Be great. Or Be Gone. Do the fucking work.

What about a bit of discipline, dropping the ego, being humble to the song, taking pride in the work, giving yourself up to the music, the moment. What about transcendence? 

I must believe. Get Back Sessions be damned!

Thursday, December 02, 2021

Abnormal is Normal...

Psychology. Watching that Beatles doc, (see previous post), made me reflect on my college years when I studied Psychology. I started as an English major, thinking I wanted to be a writer, but then, I got totally burned out reading books that left me bored and lifeless. I was casting about, I thought that I really needed to try to understand Human Beings, I mean if I was gonna write, didn't I need to know what made Human Beings tick? Why did they do the crazy, contradictory, soul-killing things they did? How did Human Beings get so fucked up? 

So I ended up majoring in Psychology. I dipped my toes in the subject and got a little bit of Freud, Jung & B.F. Skinner. Lots of pigeons pecking away in little Skinner boxes. That seemed sort of "mad." Probably my favorite class was Abnormal Psychology. Pretty much right on target. And, well, it has come in handy over the years.  

I never did anything with my Psychology degree, except, well, live the rest of my time matriculating with Human Beings. It's been an on-going education. Safe to say, abnormal is the normal. Don't really think there are any normal Humans on the planet. We are all twisted and messed up to various degrees.

Some of us are more functional than others. Some of us are supremely dysfunctional. All that is on display in the Beatles doc. Gifted, charismatic, amazing characters, spinning out in various ways. I think it is safe to say that inflated egos with too much money, too much success, too many drugs, no guide-rails, little discipline, no real purpose, way too much time on their hands is just not a healthy way to spend your days.

Great music may still emerge. But there is a cost. Lots of aimless, purposeless Human Wreckage. Funny. Most of the chaos, bad blood, bad behavior, tom-foolery & idiocy is completely unnecessary. 

There is the good work to be done. 

Sometimes you just have to be humble, do the work, try to be the best you can be, and realize it's not all about you (see Ringo for a good example of this mode of working). Sometimes less is more. And then again, I suppose, more is more too. Hard to argue with The Beatles. They conquered everything in their path. But the doc exposes the wreckage; they really were imploding. Most of their wounds were self-inflicted, but being sealed in the long-running Beatle-mania bubble had psychological consequences. You know they were "captives" of being the "Fab-Four." A blessing and a curse. The end-result, the album "Let It Be" (1970) had some fine moments, but, it's undoubtably the weakest album of their recording career.  Abnormal Psychology on display in living color.

Wednesday, December 01, 2021

The Glory & the Dysfunction of The Beatles...


Yes. I almost hesitate to wade in with my thoughts about Peter Jackson's "Get Back" documentary of the Beatles recording and filming sessions for the "Let it Be Album" in 1970. We streamed it over the holiday weekend. Totally sunk in, bathed in every last minute of it. My first thought: Thank You Peter Jackson.

It is totally cool and amazing to see the Beatles alive and well in their late 20's. They meant so much to so many. How many hours spent listening to their music? How many human beings did they inspire to pick up instruments and start bands? Who didn't want to do what they did? I mean, you know, pretty cool job.

Safe to say, the Beatles were, and are, hugely influential. Undeniable. Every other band who came after them were judged against them. Even if you hated the Beatles you couldn't shake them. Pretty much all of their records are fabulous, worth playing over and over. You will be rewarded if you are a Beatles obsessive. You probably would not wade thru this documentary for any other band except the Beatles.

Hugely commercially successful, I mean, totally unimaginable success, and at the same time, hugely creative, innovative, cutting edge, always morphing and growing (be sure to spin "Please Please Me" "The Beatles Live at the BBC," "Past Masters I & II," "Rubber Soul," "Revolver," "Sgt Peppers," and the "White Album" to remind yourself of their genius) So yes, to see them in various locations doing their thing, is sort of breath-taking.

But man, at the same time, I was shocked and a bit repelled at how dysfunctional the Beatles were at this time in their career. As someone who loves to go to a rehearsal studio and create with other musicians, it was pretty off-putting to see how unproductive and unfocused these sessions were. I think the cameras and the observers had something to do with it. It was an awkward, forced situation, and clearly, Lennon and Harrison really didn't want to be there. Also not being a live performing band for three years, being basically a studio band, led to some hermetically-sealed eccentricities. Also, chalk some of this dysfunction up to bad blood, jealousy, rivalry, and too many fucking drugs.

The Beatles were probably one of the only entities on the planet who could burn so much film and audio tape. So much clowning, tom-foolery, idiocy, not getting to the point. You wonder was this a one-off situation? The worst point of their career, a sort of unique nadir? Probably so.

Remember they recorded their first album in one 16 hour blast. These are the same four lads who played 8 hour sets in Hamburg, Germany in their formative years. If you read Mark Lewisohn's "The Complete Beatles Recording Sessions" you marvel at how creative and to the point they were in the recording studio for most of their career. Maybe it was the steady eye of George Martin, and the steady hand of Brian Epstein that helped them keep focus?

So much success. They had nothing to prove. And clearly Lennon and Harrison had no desire to perform live. Beatlemania seemed to have killed any joy or pleasure they derived from live performance.

Anyway. The movie is what it is. I do think Peter Jackson did a fabulous job of doing a day by day tick-tock. Some of it is thrilling, when Billy Preston shows up and sits in, everyone steps up, the music starts clicking. Billy should have been made a permanent Beatle, no doubt. That would have been fucking amazing. It is great when they perform a few songs on the rooftop. 

Still much of the film is disheartening & confounding. I mean, shite, all that time and misery for 4 songs on the roof? Yikes! There were days of total misery. But then again some fabulous music came out even in the deepest dysfunction, songs like "Let It Be," "Get Back," "Don't Let Me Down," and the rough beginning outlines of a healthy portion of the songs recorded for "Abbey Road." Maybe the method was mad, I mean, for sure, lots of chaos, but who knows, maybe that was just part of the process? They seemed to trust each other, trusting that somehow it would all come together. I mean, finally it is hard to argue with the results. 

Although skip Phil Spector's haphazardly-produced "Let It Be," (1970); it really is a botch-job, ruined by sappy strings and choir, with random studio jabbering. Instead, grab a copy of  the alternative mix "Let it Be... Naked" (2003). Maybe a bit closer to Glyn John's original mix. Tighter, more focused. A better record by far. Plus, "Naked," includes John Lennon's great song "Don't Let Me Down," which Spector clownishly left off the original album. 

Oh yeah, and by the by, it wasn't Yoko who broke up the Beatles, they were imploding all on their own. Dig it!