Hope & R&R...

Yes. Of course. 

Hope. Optimism. Humor. Good feeling. Positive Vibes. Sunny Disposition. Clear-Thinking. Clarity. Calmness in the face of the Storm. Improvisational. Open-hearted. Open-Minded. Friendly. Encouraging. Glass-Half-Full Perspective. Busy. Engaged. Curious. Inquisitive. Sharp-Witted. A Reader. A Writer. A Musician. Lean to the Light, to the Poetic, to the Mythic, to Wonder, to Imagination and to Dreams. A Democrat. A Believer in the Power and Glory of Diversity, Multiculturalism, Equality, Fraternity, Justice. Always looking forward to A Good Day & A Better Way. Willing to admit when I am wrong. Changeable, Fungible in the Face of Reality.

Barack Obama reminded me (see previous post), about where I come from and who I am.

A.M. Soundtrack - Had to turn off the radio this morning. Too much chatter, even on NPR. So many words spent on things that really no-one knows anything about. The most important things are truly mysteries. Put on Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers "Hypnotic Eye."  (2014). Blazingly great r&r. Tom and guitarist Mike Campbell totally tear it up track to track. A band at the height of it's powers. Killer cool. Rocking, grooving, moving. Brilliant record. Life-Fucking-Affirming. Damn the the Torpedos!

Nazism on the Rise in America?

I will never understand, and I think as a country, we should never tolerate Racism, Anti-Semitism, the New Fascism, and the rise of the Right-Wing, MAGA GOP Nazism.

Freaky. So weird. The Nazi mind-set is an illness, a sickness of the mind.

How the hell did we get here? The people are wrapped too tight, amped up with FEAR & HATRED, armed with military-grade weaponry. The Lies and Conspiracy Theory-Minded Cultists are spinning webs of idiocy. 

How to navigate the river of shite? There is no excuse for this kind of madness. It is a conundrum, how to tolerate the intolerable? There is a sickness in the citizenry, and it's all a bit stunning & numbing. 

All I can come up with is to keep calm, carry on, call out the haters, highlight their idiocy, pull together with other like-minded folks, vote, lean to the light, trust the right working of government, the rule of law, Democracy, and sanity.

Hope, Truth, Justice... open-minded, open-hearted. Take a breath. Notice the haters spinning out. It's terrible and laughable. We can't succumb to the darkness.

Post-script: After writing the above I came across this post: "Obama: Resist Cynicism". It's good. Obama always gives me hope. He's smart, funny, articulate.  The best of the best of America.

From Barack Obama:

"I know these are tough times, but we’ve been through time before. The important thing is to resist the temptation just to throw our hands up and turn inward, to see politics as a zero-sum game where rules are made to be broken — the only way for people like Us to win is for people like Them to lose — to sink into cynicism.

You know, even in our darkest moments … this country has seen darker moments before. Underneath it all, I believe we’ve had more in common than our politics and our politicians suggest. Even when times are tough, I believe what unites us can be stronger than what divides us.

There have always been certain values that bind us together as citizens no matter who we are or where we come from or what we look like or who we love. We think about our kids, and we think about working hard, and we think about being honest and being fair. Homespun values.

And it doesn’t matter whether you’re on the farm somewhere, or you’re in the inner city, people have a sense of that. It doesn’t matter what your last name is. That’s the promise of America. That’s who we at least want to be. And in this election, you have a chance to do that, to make America live up to what we hope it can be."

MAGA-GOP = Domestic Terror...

Hey, yeah, shite, it is obvious as Hell...

One political party in the USA, you know, the MAGA Republicans, are basically a front for Domestic Terrorism. It's so true, it's almost not worth writing, but I feel compelled to write it down.

One party is about political violence, election and climate-change denialism, anti-science and anti-vaccine foolishness, oh yeah, and deep in the bone ugly,  racism, anti-semitism, homophobia, misogynist, anti-immigrant, conspiracy-minded idiocy and madness.

It's not a good look. Bad for Democracy. The powers that be in the GOP just look away, pretend not see their own bankrupt nihilism. And how many millions of our fellow citizens just play along? They cling to their bibles and their guns, wishing for some kind of crazy-ass apocalyptic conflagration in which they can spill blood and hatred into the streets of good, old USA.

What's a right-minded citizen to do? Try to keep a level head, don't hit the panic button, refuse to be swamped under by the idiocy, bad blood and toxic noise. Vote for Democrats. Pretty sure most of my fellow Americans have not gone down the rabbit hole of hate. Pretty sure we out-number the mad MAGA-GOP nihilists. But you know, every election is always a total crap-shoot. It's a tricky, complicated, amazing and sometimes scary country. Here's hoping for a brighter, smarter, more rational and humble tomorrow.

Super-Strange...

What are the odds? 

Right now, I am in the middle of reading Wendy Rogers' book about listening to music, and working on records with "The Artist Formerly Known As..."

So that super-strange conversation (see previous post), I had on the street a couple days ago with a long-time acquaintance, about a murderous, ghostly, version of Prince, sort of resonated with me.

Is there some hidden pattern, secret knowledge, strange synchronicity, going down? Is there some connection, some dark meaning, some extra-level of knowledge being revealed to me?

Or is it just an odd coincidence? Prince. He's dead right? He can't really be stalking my friend, right? It's all just a mirage, a blip. I mean, yikes... what's going on?

"Party like it's 1999?"

A Deeper Hue...

He is a bright-eyed, funny and relatable character in the neighborhood. I have stopped and talked with him on street corners for many years.  A smiling, friendly presence and energy. He has had some hard times, maybe some substance abuse issues, he lives by his wits and on the kindness of strangers. I have always been supportive.

Yesterday, the conversation took a surprising, slightly mad turn. I mean, I think pretty much everyone is a bit "crazy," but then there is a deeper hue of crazy. What to say? He was speaking with a slight tremor in his voice, he was deadly serious...

Him: "Prince is stalking me. He's murdering folks. He murdered three of the elderly folks in my building. He has been stalking me for years."

Me: "Prince?"

Him: "Yes. Prince. The Artist Formerly Known As."

Me: "What? Prince? I mean, isn't Prince dead?"

Him: "Yeah. He faked his death."

Me: "Huh. Really?"

Him: "Yes, I crossed paths with him when I was a young rapper. He's been stalking me ever since. It's not right."

Me: "Wow... Sorry to hear that... I mean, yikes... I mean, well... see you around... take care."

Him: "OK. Peace, Brother..."

Slave to the Weather...

There is that song in my head, I hear Marianne Faithful's weathered voice: "All around the world, people are talking about the weather."

Can it be that simple? 

One day cold and rainy, slogging thru, getting soaked, a big, black umbrella doesn't help all that much, and I couldn't shake that feeling of being down,  a bleak futility, out of sorts; couldn't wait to get home and hunker in.

The next day, sun rises, no clouds, blue sky, and everything looks brighter. Energy surges thru my body, ready to face the day, hopeful, optimistic, expecting less slogging thru, and a bit more dancing and floating. 

The weather, I hate to be a slave to the weather. But, no doubt it turns out  I am very, very suggestible.

Getting Used to It...

Actual response from someone we know at news of a  somewhat "tragic" event...

"Aren't you used to it by now?"

Ha. On the one hand that does sound a bit cold, but on the other hand, I kind of get it. Yes. Tune into the news any morning, check out the headlines, track with the never-ending story of "Man's inhumanity to Man,"and the powerful ones taking advantage of the weak ones, the rich ones taking advantage of the poor ones, the tragic accidents, early deaths, general madness and bad blood, it sort of makes sense.

Yes. If you read your history, there is much that we should all be used to by now...

We should all try to do a bit better.

Positivity...

"Your positivity is a gift."

Someone said that to me a couple of days ago. And my first thought, unspoken, was, "Well, it's not always easy." You know, I am a glass-half-full person, but sometimes it takes a bit of effort to find the light in the midst of the darkness. And lots of darkness everywhere. I am thinking a disciplined mind-set helps. Also I am a bit of contrarian, so if everyone around me is worried, pissed off, full of fear, I immediately gravitate to the other extreme. I have a bit of an argumentative mind-set. I can conjure up counter-narratives at a moment's notice. So my natural contrariness leads me to clinging to my sunny disposition. I just really, really want to see the upside, the positive vibe threaded in the vibe of the Universe. Life. Love. Light. Lean to the Light always. Sometimes I need to sit in silence to recharge, so much trouble in the world, don't you know? But, even I am surprised how often I can bounce back with a well-traveled smile. I can go dark, sometimes I go dark as a corrective to too much positivity, but it's not my natural way. Maybe I cling to a bit of naivety, a dollop of innocence? Trying to always live in the moment helps, to not jump to conclusions. In the moment the dark and the light is always contending. I lean to the light.

The Big One...

 Death. Yes. It's complicated. The Death card was pulled by a couple folks we know this weekend. It is one of the key trump cards in the Tarot. Think of a certain transformation. What does it really mean? Who knows? A person you knew, no longer is, except in your memories, your heart, your soul, your being.  A life over. It is a tough thing, no matter who, no matter how, no matter when. An untimely death. Really, it feels like it's always untimely. There are the accidents, the diseases, the suicides, the slow-motion suicides, the misadventures, the murders most foul, the wrong place/the wrong time calamities, all the sad tragedies great and small.  Human Beings have invented Religions, erected monuments, written histories, all trying to grapple with and digest the experience of death. I think of that Dylan song, "Death is Not the End." Wishful Thinking writ large? Who knows. Death comes knocking on the door, and it seems so final, so definitive, a reality so hard and unmovable, completely, irrevocable. You try to imagine an escape hatch, a path forward, a glimmer of light, but really, it's not an easy thing. I think of  The Fool, that other trump card in the  tarot. The happy, clueless Fool: "a young man stands on a cliff without a care in the world." A foolish wisdom? Hah. Maybe best to turn to silence, sadness, tears. You live with a deep sense of loss, and a bottomless well of emotional turbulence. That's Death in a nutshell.

Life is Not Money...

They say, "the best things in life are free." Pretty sure that is true. Even in deep in the throes of this great capitalistic empire, it is clear that $ has its limits. 

A sunny day. Sitting in the grass, a warm breeze zipping thru your hair, a long bike ride on a shimmering lakefront, trees swaying, birds gliding in the blue sky, feeling groovy, relatively happy and healthy. Hard to beat it. Can't buy it, you just inhabit the moment. The moment comes free. Life. The good life. Can't put a price on it.

And then, in the evening, uncommonly clear and warm, a night that caresses, you find yourself on stage in a little Chicago saloon playing songs you have written with your partner, playing with your band for a packed room, who actually came out specifically to see your band; an enthusiastic, attentive audience who are with you for every note and every lyric. 

Killer-cool. No doubt. You are swimming in good feeling, thinking you are truly doing what you were meant to do. In sync, in the flow, in the moment. And, you know you probably pay some price, but it's not about that green stuff in your wallet.

A Good and Righteous Vote...

You know, I am dealing with my own warring mind: competing thoughts crashing against each other. Then, I think of my fellow, American-variety, human beings and all their warring minds too. Yikes. Another Election is looming in November. In my mind, it's another in a long string of existentially pivotal moments. Which way is this fledgling Democracy going? Who the fuck knows? The "people" seem confused, riled up, emotional, kooky, disappointed & disappointing, distracted, kind of silly and stupid too. Just like always. Is that too broad-brush? I don't think so. I think of that Temptation's song, "Ball of Confusion."

Of course, as for myself, I can only hope that Democracy Wins. And the only way forward would be to vote for the Democrats across the land. Seems like a no-brainer. The only sane, responsible, life-affirming and righteous thing to do. That's the cold hard truth from this warring mind. Yes. Vote. Vote for the Democrats. Sounds simple, maybe simple-minded. And of course, one vote doesn't fix everything, but it's a way of leaning to the light, embracing a free and fair democracy that is straining to "do better," aspiring to being fully human with human rights for all. I suppose that makes me a rabid "partisan!" Yes. It is true. I am a rabid partisan. No doubt. I have not given up on the good and righteous way.  Born in the USA don't you know?! American Democracy seems like a noble experiment worth keeping. And the Republican party has totally gone off the rails, still clinging to that toxic, terminally-criminal, conman, still denying the reality of a free and fair election, still leaning towards violence and authoritarianism as some zombie-brain solution. It's pretty damn creepy to see Americans clinging to retrograde idiocy and nihilism. Democrats & Democracy for the win!

That's the Universe for You...

Movement. Change. Always. 

That's the Universe for you. Best to go with the flow. Open to moving. Open to changing. It's about the going and flowing. The getting on to things.

To cling, to dwell, to resist, to stand-still too long is not recommended. 

The Black Seeds...

How to murder a King? Shakespeare tells us, put a few drops of poison in the ear of a sleeping King. That will do the trick.

I know a few folks who carry a few black seeds around with them, which they will gladly plant in your head at a moment's notice. It usually happens in "friendly" conversations when your guard is down. Why do they do it? 

It is a burden to carry these black seeds. They are corrosive, toxic, bad for your blood, bad for your spirit and soul. So they pass them on, to unload the burden, they do it casually, thru the air, thru the telephone line. It is as easy as speaking a few toxic words, packed in sentences that have the deep ring of reason, truth, and intelligence.

Bullseye! 

That is the way to blow a hole in any Sunny Disposition. What is the remedy? A good book ("This is What Music Sounds Like: What the Music You Listen to Says About You"), a funny, heartfelt and touching Netflix show ("Derry Girls"), a refreshingly long sleep, a freshly-brewed pot of LOVE BUZZ, and a day filled with things to do.

Poison Out! Damn the torpedos!

That Tree on the Lakefront...

We watched that magnificent tree on the lakefront explode in green. A big, shaggy, looming presence fronting the beach. A silent witness to the doings of humans. A big wind would shake those leaves and they'd dance and sway.

By late August you could start to see the change. Green starting to turn. By late September early October, the tree blazed with a new energy, fiery orange, the leaves a bit more brittle and stiff.

The last few days, before the storm, the tree was all fiery glow. Blazing, blazing, blazing. Every leaf transformed. A green explosion turned into a bold multi-hued, burnt offering of color. After the storm, naked branches, a pile of leaves strewn on the ground; brittle, dead soldiers strewn across the beach,  fluttering and chattering in the dirty street.

Today that tree stands tall and bare-branched. Dark. Looming. Gnarly. A naked old-timer. Daring you to blink. Defiantly jutting wildly into the dark sky. The sun doesn't rise til later, and now, the days are framed in long darknesses.

Yes, that tree has been a friend and companion to us for many years. We watched the circle of life from our favorite bench; the sprouting, the glowing, the fire, the loss, the long hibernation, and then, it all happens all over again. Never the same; a familiar trajectory: a bold, unfolding and folding. Life.

Survival Kit...

What is in my survival kit?

It is pretty simple, and it usually works like a charm:

A good night's sleep.

Up early with the sun, or brooding clouds.

A pot of primo brewed coffee.

A carton of oak milk.

Tuned into NPR a.m. news.

A sunny disposition.

The moment. 

Always, always, just the moment.

I try to live there. 

The always moment.

Always, never-ending.

When it all clicks, it feels like I am living a charmed life.

And I can handle what comes my way.

You know, doing my best to make it.

Something Like This...

I saw something like this somewhere, or maybe I made it up myself...

eat less

walk more

talk less

meditate more

think less

do more

resist less

flow more

work less

play more

grumble less

laugh more

hate less

love more

judge less

experience more

live... more...

Everything...

Everything rises, everything falls...

Do you pray?

Gravity tells us we can't rise forever.

There is always the fall.

How far?

Farther than you can imagine.

There is no bottom to the well.

You will fall, fall, fall.

You can rise again.

It's almost inevitable.

But you are changed.

Transfigured.

Transformed.

Different.

Wounded.

Scarred.

Older.

You have wings. 

You can put them on any morning.

But be prepared.

Falling and rising.

Both.

Any time.

The River...

In the flow, or watching the flow; really both at once...

Life is like this amazing river, big, bold, ever-flowing. There is the rush, the roar, the swirling waters. Sometimes you sit on the riverbank, and just take it all in. Sometimes you plunge in, and ride.

You are just one small being doing your thing as best you can. The River is the River. It flows.

A Quest...

A quest...

you know

the transcendence 

the unicorn

the holy grail

the meaning

the purpose

the light

the love

the laughter

the ineffable

the unlikely

the magic

the pearl

the wisdom

the joy

the sorrow that deepens

the clear consciousness

the intelligent silence

the beauty in all things

Live It and See...

Our time is limited. How limited? Who knows? Still, maybe best to act as if our time is unlimited? It's a bit of a conundrum. Also, you know, catastrophe lurks around every corner, but, do you really want to worry about what's lurking around every corner? That would mean lots of time living in worry & fear of every corner, and the next looming thing. Who wants to live like that?

So, you end up living in the moment, you act as if every moment is eternal, and you banish the worry and the fear, and plow ahead. Is that crazy? Is that really a smart way to live? Who knows?! It's your life, right? You get to decide how you want to live it. You have agency. You have motivation. You have hope. You have the right, and the ability, to dream the dreams you dream.

You decide: Fuck fear. Fuck worry. Fuck doubt. Damn the torpedos. 

It's a bit bold. And who knows, it may be a dangerous, risky, path. Hard to tell one way or another. Another conundrum. Pick and choose your dangers wisely Pilgrim. I think we all need to live by a certain code. Something like, be present, do good, keep your eyes peeled, lean to the light motherfucker. And it is useful to Believe, in something. Be careful with the believing thing. Lots of B.S. and dead-end rabbit holes everywhere you look. 

I think it is best to believe in something simple & open-ended, don't box yourself in. For instance, believe in a better day. That's something to conjure up in your little noggin. Put some good shit in your trick-bag for a fully-realized life. What happens? Who knows, right? You just have to live life to the best you can and see what happens. It seems to me we are not here to solve life, we are here to experience what we can experience.

To Do...

To speak

To write

To make some noise

Leave a mark?

Who knows?

"Kilroy was here."

The thing to do, is to do the thing.

Words on the Tip...

Lakefront Person: "You have an answer for everything, don't you?"

Me: "Hah. Yes, it's true, even if the answer is just another question."

Lakefront Person: "See?!"

A true conversation on the lakefront path. A person who barely knows me, pretty much summed me up with one friendly, smirking & probing question. 

I am a quick-thinker, a fast-talker, with a raging tornado of thoughts swirling in my head pretty much all the time. I often blurt out whatever is on my mind. It's sort of an edgy and annoying (for myself & others), way to be.

Over the years, I have tried to be a bit more careful with my storming mind, and my flapping lips. Throwing words out into the air is a tricky, and often, trouble-making proposition. I don't pretend to have all the answers, in fact, I tend to lean to the idea that there is a vast universe of questions, and few definitive answers, but words, yes, sure, I have lots of words to sling out into the world at moment's notice.

Yikes!

The Storm...

The storm...

inside

and 

outside

A Weird, Loony, Revenge Scenario...

I was kicking this around in my head all day yesterday: Apocalypticism. You know, Apocalyptic Thinking? "The End is Near." It seems all the rage now, but it's probably been with us since the Dawn of Man. It seems someone has always been been shouting & preaching on the corner or the mountaintop, or in a field, that we are all doomed, and the doom is coming soon, it's right around the corner.

I surmise this is a bit of "Wishful Thinking." You know, folks who are unhappy with their lives, unhappy with their fellow beings, unhappy with the way of the Universe; they conjure elaborate scenarios where the Apocalypse comes crashing down and obliterates us all. Of course, lots of these folks somehow think they are destined for the Pearly Gates, it's only the folks they don't like who will be vaporized forever, or sent to the burning flames of Hell.

It's all some kind of weird, looney revenge scenario. It's all rage and judgement and retribution. And maybe it's just a way of bringing some drama to lots of lonely, unfulfilled lives? You know, a grand Technicolor Climatic Crescendo? I think it's a hard thing to come to the realization that we are just tiny specks in a Grand Universe, and whatever is Unfolding is much bigger, and pretty much indifferent to the fate of the billions of little Human Beings furiously running around on this spinning Blue Planet. We are here to do our thing as best we can, but it isn't all about us.

Apocalypse. It's all pretty much obvious B.S. but some folks are totally, madly, deeply and gladly all-in. Funny. Ridiculous, and who knows maybe a poor, counter-productive mind-set for a fulfilling existence? Thinking we are all doomed maybe sets the table? As Joe Strummer once said, "The Future is Unwritten." Get your head around that. Worried about Climate Catastrophe? The first step is to acknowledge that is a Human-made catastrophe, it is up to Human Beings to get their shit together, and I mean, pronto. And if an asteroid crashes into Earth and destroys everything, well, them's the breaks. Better to think we gave it our best, don't you know?! It is what it is. Make the best of it. Full-speed ahead. Damn the Torpedos! Do what we can and let it roll. Any maybe give those Apocalyptic Screamers a wide berth?

Qualities...

Open-minded

flexible

serpentine

malleable

fungible

changeable

imaginative

dreaming

easy-going

light-on-your-feet

liberal

gracious

kind

funny

truth-full

honest

creative in all things

progressive

easy-to-approach

care-full

simple

clear

musical

poetic

thought-full

ZEN-like

Being-to-the-max

Everything Clicked...

Yesterday, everything just clicked...

If, basically, we are storm-systems, you know, our personalities resemble hurricanes, tornados, tsunamis;  yesterday, I was a storm-system, let's say a tornado, totally in tune with the world around me. I met the day and we danced.

I attribute some of this in-tune-ness to my "Nasties." What are my "Nasties?" I have a pair of UGG shoes that I sold on EBAY, but were returned by the buyer because he thought that my description of them was misleading and that they were "Nasty!"

They were returned to me, the sale cancelled, I put them in a closet, and forgot about them for a few months. Then, one day, I put them on. Nothing nasty about them, I forgot why I originally wanted to sell them, (I think because they are low-tops and for awhile I was down on low-tops),  they are comfortable, light, snazzy, cool. I do feel sort of like walking on clouds when I wear them. I now affectionately refer to them as my "Nasties," as in, "I'm wearing my Nasties today!"

Funny. The whole day rolled out like a happy dream. Blue sky, calm waters, big, gorgeous trees turning golden in the Autumnal vibe. Stepping lightly!

We finished the day in rehearsal with our band. A glorious session. Everyone alive and bringing it. Every button we pushed was marked, "good," "inspired," "beautiful." Sure, it was a nasty day,  but only in the totally best way possible.

People Who Need People...

It's a complicated, tricky world. No doubt. Lots of competing forces; colliding, zipping, zigging and zagging off each other.  What's a simple Pilgrim to think or to do?  Keep it simple.

People are the problem.  

Nature is blameless. It's just Nature. 

People? We are a heady, tricky, complicated, often disappointing, sometimes wondrous Species. We possess a full trick-bag of tendencies and actions.

Most of the trouble in the world points squarely at Human Beings being Inhumane to other Human Beings. It's a general trend, a historical fact, a persistent narrative that rears it's ugly head in pretty much every realm.

Yikes. What is the remedy? Something like "There, but for the Grace of God, go I." You know, even if you don't believe in grace, or god, you can live like that. Try to put yourself in someone else's shoes. 

We all know how tricky and complicated it is being Human. Figure it's the same for the next person too. Does that fix anything? Who knows. Worth a try. Lean to the Light.

The Power of "Not."

The Noise.
The Thunder.
The Chatter.

The Elaborate Tower of Babel.

24/7.

Tune in and weep. Weep for your sanity, and clarity.

Lately, the conversation seems to be a battle between the Stupids, and the Not So Stupids.

Everything seems so over-hyped and juiced. 

I think of Melville's "Bartelby:"

"I would prefer not to."

Stuff...

Believing

Working

Doing

Dreaming

Laughing

Walking

Talking

Moving

Imagining

It's Monday. Stuff to do today...

Sunday...

Drifting.
Coasting. 

Floating. 

Dreaming. 

Rocking. 

Rolling.

Being.

Friend: Take Two

Yes. I have done a bit of a re-think on the whole "friend" idea. Our default mode should be: "Everyone is My Friend." Until proven otherwise. We are also all related, don't you know? Remember "Mitochondrial Eve?" : "In human genetics, the Mitochondrial Eve (also mt-Eve, mt-MRCA) is the matrilineal most recent common ancestor (MRCA) of all living humans. In other words, she is defined as the most recent woman from whom all living humans descend in an unbroken line purely through their mothers and through the mothers of those mothers, back until all lines converge on one woman."

"We are family." 

Think of the Human family as a vast, a globe-wide-spanning tree, with uncounted branches and leaves. All those branches sprout from the same trunk, all those leaves sprout from different branches. We all our children & descendants from the same roots.

That should be the Default Mode. Friends & Family. Some of us are best friends. Some of us are a bit estranged. Some relationships are free and easy, some are hard and difficult.  Also some friends are really our enemies, and  you must not forget your nemesis, who is lurking in the shadows waiting to pounce! Human Beings are tricky!