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Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Devil or Angel Be Damned

I've always been on the wheel...most jobs I've had, I've been expected to "make things happen." My income is usually based on how much business I can bring in. Very rarely have I just punched in and out on the time-clock. The two major exceptions to this was working as a guitar tuner, and as a bike messenger. They were my NirvanaLand jobs, the only downside, they barely fed me, I really only survived on the kindness of friends and family...

So, just like my father, I've always been on the wheel, crucified on the cross of "success" and "failure," (see Arthur Miller's Death of a Salesman for a primer). I've always tried to explode the dichotomy, play by diffferent rules or just settle on a zen-like path. Sometimes it works, sometimes not.

Lately the wheel has been grinding me down. All my issues - guilt, doubt, (my greatest endowments from Catholic grade school) vs. validation, certainty (my endowments from meditation school) are out in full force. I'm like that character in the cartoon with the devil dog on one shoulder, the angel dog on the other. So I'm just the battlefield where the dogs do their fighting. This can be exhausting.

Last night I woke up hearing my father's voice say, "don't forget me." These are words he actually said to me a few months before he died. Obviously, there's no chance of forgetting him, I see him in the mirror every morning...I don't want to forget to him, I just don't want to find myself strapped to that same damn wheel forever. Ultimately the wheel wins...devil or angel be damned. I'd like to watch it explode into flames, walk away unscathed...somehow, I don't think that's how it goes...

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