"Grappling with meanings." Yeah, that's kind of a life-time quest. And it's probably a fool's quest. Kind of like peeling an onion looking for the heart of onion.
We have our lives, and we live them. The desire for meaning is kind of meaningless. There's a Zen quality to that conundrum that is satisfying and unsatisfying simultaneously. A hand claps. Or not. What else do you need?